#Divorce

We met 6 years ago, and our courtship was brief. We got married months after our first flirtatious “Hello.”

I was a kid back then, leveraging divorce in every other fight. Thinking it was the ultimate power play. And sure, all the articles about “How To Save Your Marriage” always condemned my petulant behaviour.

All those perfectly staged photos of happy couples would almost glare at me, condescendingly – as if they were mocking my insolence. “The answer is RIGHT here! In this article,” their eyes would scream at me.

But I was defiant. Defiant in the failure of my relationship.

Don’t get me wrong, there is infinite love still there – we made a beautiful baby together, a life together, memories together. But the love has transformed into something a little too comfortable, a little too lack lustre, a little less in love.

But sometimes that’s not enough.

Is it enough?

You see, there’s a glamourized, glossy image of what divorce is. Perks for days. You get to fall in love all over again – get to have an eternity of first kisses and butterflies.

And like any good marketing ploy, I bit hard.

I mean, what’s 5 years of my life – thrown away anyway? Especially, when the grass is artificial and will always be green on the other side.

And who could possibly cultivate green grass, when the foundation was toxic. I wasn’t happy – which means I couldn’t possibly be making him happy. Β And 5 years – that’s a small price to pay for the almost promised future of eternal happiness – I mean, that’s what they tell you right?

At least, all my divorced friends did. And all my friends were all happily divorced.

And what’s a divorce under my belt now anyways? Statistically, I was doomed for failure from the start. Hell, I was only on my first, friends of mine were already wrapping up their second and were planning for their third. So really, I’m just the cultural “norm.”

Now, I could live the life I always wanted – become a writer of masterpieces and finally get interviewed by Jon Stewart. I could focus on being a super mom, and balance the perfect life of family, friends and career.

You see, I had gotten to this place where I had blended so much into suburban life, I had lost sight of everything I ever wanted to become. Life was mundane, no longer illustrious with prospects of a bright future. What had started off as just a phase, morphed into my new being. And I just needed to muster the strength to get up again, a motivation I was losing exponentially as each day went on. There came a point where we just couldn’t try.

And I deserve those things, right? I deserve to be happy too? Don’t I? Doesn’t he?

And it’s just paperwork anyways – right? A quick sign on the dotted lines.

I mean, can’t you just do it all online anyways?

No one tells you the truth about divorce – no one crosses the T’s and dots the I’s when you’re being initiated into the growing club.

But I will.

Photo on 2015-01-20 at 2.07 PM

Sweet Dreams World.

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24 replies

  1. Welcome to the club.

    Soon you will be eating cereal because you dont fancy what you have cooked the kids. The upshot of this is you will regain the figure you had at 20! (It is the Divorce diet)

    If you are lucky you can go for an amicable split. This basically means you will speak to your ex and not pay a lawyer to avoid having horrendous arguments. Instead you have the horrendous arguments LOL These will drain your energy and make you wonder what you ever saw. My advice – you dont have to have them as they are pointless !

    Me? I split with my wife of 22 years last July. Unusually I have both kids living with me, so have a unique view for a single father on how tough it can be for a single mother…the key message for you is I survived…and thrived.

    One day I was driving to the shops on my own and freedom hit me in the face. I realised I didn’t need to live my life through the filter of a partner. I was independant and could do what I like Awesome !

    Climbing, running and all those things I thought about doing, I got up off my butt and actually did.

    Then there was a self realisation. I was more relaxed about life and less possessive about my time.

    Next came the shock that the new me was apparently very attractive (still dont get it) to others. My social calander filled.

    And I met someone I really liked, who ran and climbed and craved adventure as I do. Will she be the future Ex Mrs Laity? Well the old me would have worried about it…New me just enjoys the fun.

    I am sure it feels rubbish for you and you will have to grieve your relationship. But that is the point. It was YOUR relationship, even though it required another party, you owned it. Just as you can own what you do next.

    BE AWESOME and accept nothing less than AWESOMESS for the rest of your life.

    It is your privaledge and right.

  2. Love love the honesty of this piece. That’s great writing. Which always comes from honesty and being unafraid to pour truth out there. Thanks for sharing and I am sure this next chapter is going to be something!

  3. It’s a funny old world. I too married young and felt somehow that I was on the wrong path. I couldn’t shake that feeling despite the amazing adventures we experienced together (traveling and living overseas for 10 years) ..Eventually I decided to let go, I was not in love, I couldn’t pretend. So we got divorced. The next 10 years I remained single. I raised our child alone while my ex husband remarried. It felt right. I was being true to myself (despite a fair bit of loneliness) Then finally when my daughter was in her 2nd year of high school, she decided I should meet her best friends dad. Her and her friend had been scheming this for a while ( I later discovered).
    A date was set. We were all going to a local theme park – Adventure World! That’s what happens when teenager’s make the plans πŸ˜’
    I went along with it thinking the girls were very cute, but seriously..I don’t think so.
    How wrong was I. This guy was Gorgeous, He was tall dark and handsome, witty, sexy …and pretty shell shocked from his ex wife’s infidelity. She had left him for her rich boss.
    For four years this beautiful man had avoided women and he was being very brave, agreeing to meet me.
    Thankfully his daughter had given him the run down on what a catch I was 😁

    Tomorrow we celebrate our 5th wedding anniversary. My path has never been straighter 😊

  4. Thanks for liking my post, Shareen. I came by your blog to read and I will follow your next posts. I want to leave a comment here, but I think you’ve inspired me to write my own story. I’m on my second marriage after a pretty horrible first 29 years ago. I wasted 9 years of my life, but I learned…not everything but more about myself and I’m still learning. It’s a roller coaster (and I’m not fond of them naturally) but the ride does get easier at times. Hang in there and keep writing. I wish they’d have had blogs when I got my divorce.

  5. Hey Shareen,
    regarding the above post. Thanks again for following and go to my blog and look at new post, The First Cut is the Deepest…Divorce. Send me your comments

  6. Find yourself again. But then hopefully, find that missing piece of your heart, who is more deserving.

  7. Divorce is so much harder than anyone lets on. Just hold on tight to the people who really love you and keep going!!!

  8. This hits close to home for me!

  9. Best of luck on your journey, and here’s hoping it isn’t perilous.

  10. Lovely writing, lovely photo!

  11. I’ve missed you and I’m sorry that your first post after such a long absence is this sad news. But I admire your honesty, and hope that your divorce can be amicable and that your little boy goes with the flow, as the young ones do.
    Divorce is different for different people. There’s a fair amount of divorce in my immediate family: my brother, 3 times; my oldest sister, 2 times and then widowed. Two nephews with small children. My mom. What I suspect they all had in common was this: “But the love has transformed into something a little too comfortable, a little too lack lustre, a little less in love.” Somewhere along the line, for at least one spouse, the switch went to “off” and she saw the rest of her life slipping through her fingers. Our first choices are not always the best. I’m no expert. I played it safe and didn’t marry until 32 and then only after having lived with the guy for 3 years (we both needed our relationship to have last longer than our previous ones before we felt safe).
    You have every right to be happy. If no one else, you owe it to your son to be happy (but, truly, you owe it to yourself as well). Take care. Hugs. xoxo

  12. Good for you, and beautifully written. I wish you luck and civility throughout this change and happiness as you open a new book of your life

  13. Usually, divorce is not pretty; however, it’s not the end of your life. You can begin again. Thanks for sharing.

  14. I’m glad to ‘see’ you again; i just wish it was under better circumstances.

  15. i love this.

  16. These are big issues. You ask good questions. After 26 years of often unhappy marriage, I still don’t have the answers, but am still trying to make it work. I may not succeed. Best wishes to you.

  17. You were fortunate to win custody for your child despite this divorce.

  18. S, I was glad you tapped in because I had wanted to find you again – and had trouble doing so. Apart from the fact that this is well written as I would expect of you, I appreciate your being real. And yeah, the artificial grass is right. I highly recommend Elizabeth Gilbert’s “Committed”. Her take on Christians is wrong (gee wiz, where were the blasted fact checkers at Viking Penguin?) bc she lumps Catholics with Protestants, for one. But beyond those clunky few pages, it sounds like she would’ve loved to have talked to you in writing the book. Chk out her chapter on infatuation.

    Diana

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