If you have a penis – then you want a blow job.
It’s as simple as that.
And yet how can a desire so basic be so hard to come by?
You’ve had those conversations with friends where there’s always that one girl who proclaims, “I don’t give head.”
And the others follow suit.
Many men sit perplexed with their partners wondering how they couldn’t possibly want to please them.
I mean how many times are you going to gyrate your hips suggestively in their face?
“Why won’t they get the hint?” You think to yourself.
We get the hint.
And here are 5 reasons we rather not.
1.) You Smell Funny.
Maybe proximity to your junk makes you immune to the foul stench that emanates from that region. Sure – you bathe daily. We believe you. Really, we do. The male anatomy is a logistical mess – there’s way too much going on in such a tiny area of the body – and without adequate ventilation – well you get the picture.
And would it kill you to trim a little? Not like a baby bare situation – but you know, some basic manscaping? It’s true – you know, trimming the hedges does make the tree look bigger.
2.) Why is it called a “blow job” anyways?
The name is so deceptive. How do you expect us to know what to do if you can’t even get the name right? And since the topic of head is rarely – if ever, covered in sex-ed, how can you expect us to feel confident enough to go down under without a map or basic instructions. I remember being younger and sitting with a bunch of my girlfriends – the topic of head naturally surfaced and a girl actually thought all you had to do was literally blow.
True story.
“Just ask.” You say.
Well, allow me this – do you?
Do you ever ask?
Case and point.
3.) The Girl With The Blow Job Tattoo.
Girls – this one is for you. We all have “that” friend. The skanky, loose, adventurous – likes to do sexual things with office supplies and other inanimate objects type.
You bet she gives head – don’t you.
If she does that with carrots – then she totally does.
You would never do the things she does – wouldn’t you.
Why?
Because you wouldn’t want people to think that way about you.
The social stigma alone is enough to soften any erection. No one wants to be known as the skank who goes down on guys.
We’ve engrained that traditional sex is the only type we need or enjoy – and that is the ultimate cock block of all.
Maybe we need to change the way we judge things.
4.) Give Head Get Head
Boys – this one is for you.
Stop being so selfish.
That is all.
5.) Baby Come On
There is nothing more off-putting than “the move” you boys have pioneered.
You know, you’re making out for a while then you gently place your hand on your partner’s head and slowly push down.
Shame on you.
It’s an unimaginative – highly insulting method of delivering a message. The best way to get what you want?
See # 4.
Lead by example.
Sweet Dreams World
Categories: Uncategorized
A Day in the Life of Shareen A. 
Hallelujah!
Interestingly, it wasn’t the headline that caught my attention but the photo of a beautiful woman…and then I realized, “Hey, I think I know that woman!”
Good to see you again and thanks for the post…while I am on the other side of the equation, it is always good to get advice on how to possibly up the quotient, as it were.
Hope you’re well…Randy
Finally! I was wondering where all the sexually explicit blogs went, when I joined wordpress…
😀
Can I point out the unintentional pun in line 3?
#4 is all this list really needed.
That’s a pretty small banana… lol
I would add one more and that is, “She’s just not that into you.” Face it, somethings just aren’t on the menu unless I’m in a committed, caring, (hopefully) long term relationship. If we’re just dating, or you’re on a hit and run mission, you can miss me with all the hints and requests – it’s just not going to happen.
Great post :-).
Virtually every one if these could apply to a man going down on a woman. Odd isn’t it?
I started my blog because my publisher advised it as a way to publicize my sci-fi book, This Moonless Sky (for which there’s a couple of free download links on my recent blog posts). I hope it will be entertaining to comment here by posting its brief set-piece on the perennial topic of giving head.
The characters below are me, Marrik, the narrator, a late-teenaged person from Earth who made the 400,000-year, frozen journey to our new planet, and my beloved boyfriend Yith, who appears to be a very cute human around my age but is actually a 70-million-year-old mechanical alien who genetically engineered himself into a human body in order to, um, get to know me better. The third person is Deiyah, a 40-something administrator who is our mentor for introducing us to life on our new planet. He reveals to us here that during the process of thawing me out and setting me down on this planet, the aliens genetically engineered me to resist a nasty local disease. Also, they transformed my reproductive cells with a control mechanism they inserted into all humans on this planet – a way of disarming us by making us respond mechanically, like insects, if we were hit with particular visual cues. Security, you know – humans are so unpredictable. The relevant genes were actually cloned from the Earth’s insect species. So yes, now we are GMO.
In case you’re wondering what can be said that’s new about oral sex, this may be it 😛
** ** **
Deiyah explained it to us. “Your germ line has [the implanted insect genes], but your developed body doesn’t. With resistance to [a disease endemic to this planet], your current body was given an implant for it, and your germ line was also transformed. But there was no reason to implant your body with the Insect Sign responses. If you or Yith has kids here, they’ll get the Insect Sign genes and be like the others.”
Secretly part insect. Great. I am not totally phobic about them, but insects are by no means my favorite animals. I generally don’t touch them unless I have to. The thought that I could give birth to partial insects was, I have to admit, a completely new idea for me.
It was so bizarre that it diverted my attention badly. I looked at Yith and myself and pictured our sperm cells with little antennae. We’d just been getting to know each other’s germ lines, and now this.
I would never have said something like this on Earth, but in this more relaxed culture, it just popped out. “I’m going to have to get used to oral sex all over again,” I said in Yith’s ear. Perhaps with the jets bubbling away [in the hot tub at the local spa], Deiyah didn’t hear. I didn’t much care if he did.
“Don’t worry, nmtsyotschmej’ch’ss’t!p!k! (my most amazing boy [as said in alien language]), you can retrain your mind on that after we get home.” Suddenly there was this Cheshire cat beside me, all grin. At least someone was sanguine.
Well, it was only genes, after all. Raw code is not a compiled program. I’d survive it.
Maybe it’s my fussy upbringing, but for me, even at the best of times, that particular sex act always was a bit like trying chocolate covered ants. You know, slight trace of an ‘eww’ factor no matter how tasty. That seems to be what makes sex work in general, so I’m not complaining. I guess we all live with the ‘eww’ in the mystical eww-nity.
[and later on after some discussion on other topics]
We fell into general [sauna] chitchat together, and in due time dashed out and enjoyed another hour of luxury frigidity and heat in the pools. It was very relaxing and therefore tiring, but when Yith and I got home, I did have enough energy to test to be sure I hadn’t lost my taste for him.
He tasted good.
No chocolate covering needed.
Thanks for the tip….well not just the tip, all of it… That was a great…… job!
You’re a brave woman…. Bravo, I say! And yick…….
Number four is a biggie — cast your bread upon the waters and it shall come back to you a thousand fold. or something like that, anyway. 🙂
Absolutely loved this!
It is better to give than receive. A happy woman creates a happy environment. And that is all from me.
Yea you are right. All that body heat in an unventilated area .. God knows what’s going on there. And since I mentioned the Creator; they do say ‘cleanliness is next to godliness’ so I suppose if you’re going to do a bit of procreating it would be good to come clean. No pun intended!
My dear, this was hilarious. You are funny. Dead on funny!
I find that presenting my tumescence in a hot dog bun, slathered in mustard and relish, and singing “Take Me Out to the Ball Game” works like a charm every time.
great post, as king said, these can also go for the ladies, The line that really nails this post though, “Maybe we need to change the way we judge things.” so true for sex as well as many, many other things in life. Bravo on the post 🙂
Point 4! Hail. This was amazingly hilarious.
This made me laugh out loud. However, what didn’t make me laugh out loud was the age of some of the people liking. I mean I know it happens but if you look like Santa, I don’t want to the image of you having blow jobs stuck in my mind – just saying.
Great blog and totally valid points.
Point 1: You are right. It can bew rank down there. But that may be the point why guys don’t capitulate in the head-giving department. The ol’ “fishy smell” thing. Rumors can be terrible things.
But, what some guys don’t realize, if they are proficient on going down on their lady, she will be REALLY grateful.
Point 2: I’ve often wondered that myself!
Point 3: Stereotyping is bad for everyone. If both partners can please the other, does it matter how it’s done, so long as no one is hurt?
Point 4: Bingo! If you give a little, you get a little. But the whole “manscaping” mentioned earlier goes for the ladies too.
Point 5: LOL that’s the “move”?! That’s the subtle signal?! Sad. Why do women do anything with us!
To all the guys reading, take note from this blog. It’s not often you get this kind of intel.
Ladies, just have patience, if we want it bad enough, we’ll figure it out.
i like the ‘infinity’ necklace. do you think my baby sister would like one?
Indeed, why is the act of sucking labeled ‘blow job’? So very confusing…
Very funny post, though…they should teach this in sex ed (or would that be too soon?…I don’t know, I’m not good with kids;))
So, to summarize – we’re all confused as to why it’s called ‘blowing’ when it isn’t. But does anyone know how that terrible lie started? Also, I read manscaping as ‘manscraping’ and it brings terrible images to mind, making me wince. I need new glasses.
I have a penis, and I don’t like blow jobs. I don’t enjoy the feeling of being out of control.
I much prefer missionary and doggy style.
Ha! I really enjoyed reading this one! It’s so true too (my opinion). Looking forward to reading more!
Also, a guys chances of getting the blow job he wants so badly (now I’m getting annoyed that we call them blowjobs!) go way up way fast if there’s some sort of understanding about how the whole thing will end. Despite all the porn that’s ever been produced and used as educational material by guys trying to figure out how to please a woman, women do NOT enjoy men ejaculating on their face or in their mouth and the few that do like to know what’s coming and when, no pun intended. Lots of girls don’t mind oral sex so much as they mind not knowing how the guy sees the whole thing going down. Lots of women enjoy giving as much as they enjoy receiving. Don’t be the guy that makes a girl gag at the thought of giving oral sex, much less actually attempting it ever again after a horrendous experience with you.
You (and we) shouldn’t really be talking so openly about sex in public. It encourages sexual experimentation and sexual promiscuity. As a mother, you should care more about the world your child is going to live in.
But look at it this way, Matthew. If you only like missionary and doggie style, you’re certainly not being encouraged to experiment sexually, and nobody will be talking very much about any sex they have with you, especially not publicly so it all works out after all 😀
What kids really need to know about sex is its true purpose, its importance, and definitely its dangers, and they should be well educated in all of that philosophy.
But this post talks about sex like it’s a game, as if it’s harmless fun and everyone should try it. That’s irresponsible.
There are both responsible and irresponsible ways to talk about sex.
I hear that. I was given the talk and told about the true purpose of sex and the dangers associated with sex, too. I couldn’t wait to find out for myself so I wouldn’t have to just take my mom’s word for it and I decided that it was fucking AWESOME!
Wow! What a post! Alright here are my views on blow jobs and going down a chick. Now I have worked a little bit in the medical field as a CNA. I know what comes out of both a penis and a vagina. Ladies men URINATE from there. Do you shower after EVERY single pee? No I did not think so. So if you so chose to participate understand what bacteria can do in the mouth. The mouth is a warm moist place. Ever heard of Thrush? Look it up. Now for men and the vagina. The uterus bleeds every month. I am sorry its not a nice pleasant pretty experience. Do you really want to lick the place where that stuff comes from? If so that is gross on either end. Sorry if I offended you but going down on someone no matter how clean they are. That is gross.
Vomit comes from mouths. Never kiss.
PS- I don’t care if he or she washes every time they pee or menstruate. I just care if they’ve washed between the last time it happened and the next time they ask me to put my mouth on it. ‘s just common courtesy.
Agreed with you on kissing!
Urine is normally microbiologically sterile and Mahatma Gandhi famously drank his own daily as an ayurvedic tonic. The skin and mucous membrane microflora are just normal flora unless the person has a potentially sexually-transmitted disease (including systemic diseases such as hepatitis). In such cases, washing won’t help. Candida albicans, the agent of thrush, is normal flora and over 60% of people acquire it throughout their digestive tract at birth. If you don’t already carry it, you can get it as easily from kissing as from oral sex, especially oral sex involving a penis (which being relatively dry, tends to have little or no C. albicans associated with it, normally). So remember, if you’re squeamish about oral sex, you have Victorian hygiene to thank for it, not microbiology. Obviously the human species has survived and prospered with a great deal of oral sex. We live in a deeply superstitious world.
yes! everything marrikrajjarsen1 said.
Hi! Thanks for liking my humble blog. Loving yours!
As a gay man reading this, I can say it applies to us as well. Don’t get me wrong, love a good b/j just like the next guy, but I’m pretty sure we’re a lot more particular about it. Personally, I’m not putting anything in my mouth unless it’s been washed. That’s just gross, otherwise. I mean really, hands up those of you who have had a close encounter of the gross, stinky, scrotum kind. Yuck. As somebody with a long term partner, just the smell is enough to make me gag, so I’ll be damned before I make my bf go anywhere near it. And yes, I will also agree, manscaping makes ALL the difference. All I will say, is that using your teeth doesn’t make it more enjoyable. it hurts. a lot. Practice on a banana. If there are teeth marks, you’re doing it wrong.
Odor gets caught in the hair… and so that is a big part of it, as is, as I said below, keeping your ass clean throughout the day… some men just think its all fine down their even if they sat at their desk all day if thats what they do… if I were gay, I’d be even more conscious because the giving and receiving is more closely related since your dealing with the same thing… not to mention, since we’ve all got them, you might be a little more snobby about how things are done since you can you know what’s what with this thing
Agree with ALL of this! Nowadays am totally indifferent to sex (anti-d meds do that), but have never been a massive fan of the blow job. Would do it if I was totally into the guy, and even then it was about control and the effect it had on them. It’s a long time since I studied anatomy, but I don’t think any of us have a clit on the roof of our mouths, well not the last time I checked anyway….
My (once) slutty friend claims to love them, but I think she said that so guys would think she was sexy. And they did. They also thought she was a bit of a bike so not sure whether that was a good thang as a whole and she probably has terminal lock jaw now.
No 4 was my credo, and No 5 was a sure fire guarantee that you don’t get ANY, so men desperate for a sucking, please take note, you will thank us all for this advice one day! 😉
This makes sense… most men don’t understand the odor that is going on down there… especially as it emanates from their ass which they don’t wipe properly… Most men are dopes and not very receptive to a woman’s needs… but whatever.. good stuff, glad to read and read more
shareen, shareen, shareen –
What luck to have found you! We seem to have some topics in common!
Hmmm – I’m thinking I should reblog this to give the other side of the story!!! I’m a newbie here at WordPress – but you are a rockstar!! I’m following you – I’m inspired!
Reblogged this on ReVerSatire and commented:
Who’s up for a blow job?
This hilariously delicious blow by blow take on why girls won’t give head will have your “head” spinning – no, your other head.
A head for a head, a “blow” for a “blow” – just don’t blow your brains out.
(I’m just full of puns today…)
Pretty solid advice
No thanks… I’m more about female pleasure. How to get a palm job..but I’ll write in that later I guess
love your work 🙂 http://robertmudge.net/blog-of-the-year-2013-award/
Dear Shareen ..
Write something new….. Your reader are waiting for something good to read..
Yours
……………………………………….
I miss this blog. 😦
nice, always great to get good advice 🙂
Reblogged this on The 43 Year Old Vegan and commented:
Funny and true. Best head I gave was to the marathon runner dude who trimmed as much as I did. Only guy I was ever with who did that. Forever thankful, marathon runner dude. And yes, return the favor, or start us off. It takes longer (yes, more than 5 minutes in porn) but big return on your investment…
Yea right #4. I’m a champ going down on this girl all the time, orgasms the whole bit. Never has she reciprocated. And you wonder why guys stray.
Late to this party…but this is something you can’t get without giving as you said. A true gentleman has at least a 3:1 ratio. Spoiling a woman was never a bad decision, or never failed. 🙂
One problem with number 4…
If You’re too good at this She ends up too blissed out to care a fuck about anything other than dissolving into a pool of orgasmic luxuriance…. Trust me… I know ..
Brilliant! Yes, leading by example is a sure way to reach the promised land. Great post. Now, I’m on my way to take a shower and get some ventilated clothing…..
I really enjoyed reading this, I feel like you hit every major point involved in this. Most guys don’t realize the reality of what oral sex is like for the person giving it and I feel like every guy needs to read this,
Yaassssssss! All this and more!!!