The Case of the 29s

29 is most certainly age limbo.

When you’re 29, you’re too young to bestow wisdom upon others and yet you’re too old to get trashed and streak naked.

29 is not 30 – where both of your feet are firmly planted on the genre of middle aged. Where you are neatly defined.

It’s the age, the magic number, when gravity decides to kick your ass. Now you have to lunge and squat everywhere – while watching TV, while cooking dinner and while shopping for groceries.

Even your boobs have given up.

Fact.

Colds last longer and you get that feeling that you’re 4 Snickers away from diabetes.

29 is the age when you decide you’re going to die.

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To celebrate my 29th birthday a few months ago, I decided I would spend this precious day not with my friends and family – but with my doctor.

I mean, he had nothing better to do.

So I lunged my way to his office and squatted 25 times before I finally placed my asset into the grey plastic seat.

3 hours, 2 hysterical mothers, and 6 cases of bird flu later, I was ushered into the cesspool of life threatening bacteria.

I waited for him to wash his hands before he touched me – but he never did. Even he knew I had reached “that age.” And F.Y.I. you’re not fooling anyone with your empty hand sanitizer and soap dispensers.

“How are you?” He asked tiredly.

“How are YOU?” I shot back aggressively – as if I was fighting for more time.

“Uhh, I’m….good? What can I do for you?”

“My left ear is blocked.”

Silence.

And not just from my blocked ear.

“Let’s take a look,” he sighed.

After briefly violating both of my ears, he turned to me ,”You’re fine.”

“Is there an infection?”

“No.”

“Built up wax?”

“No.”

“Could it be something serious?”

“It could  be nothing.” He started nonchalantly filling out paperwork.

It was now or never.

I had to know.

“Can I ask a stupid question?”

“There are no stupid questions.”

“Do I have a brain tumour?”

Silence.

Slowly, he pulled his stool in front of me and sat down. Arms folded in front of his chest he cocked his head and stared at me.

“Seriously?”

Pause.

I could see him trying to assess me – was I being serious? Or was I insane hypochondriac obsessed with diagnoses dished out by Google.

It was obviously the latter.

“Why would you ask me that?” His voice was gentle.

I could feel my bottom lip starting to tremble.

“…Because, I just turned 29.”

Furrow browed, he examined my pupils and decided to entertain my delusional state of mind – most assuredly considering my proclamation as a symptom.

“You don’t have a brain tumour,” he concluded, “What’s really going on here?”

Avidly chewing my bottom lip, I figured – fuck it.

“I’m old now and I’m afraid. I’m afraid that I’m going to die. I’m not a kid anymore and it’s gone – that sense of infallibility – of being indestructible is all gone now.”

“You are old as you want to be, it’s all in your mind – but as for now, you are perfectly healthy,” and with that he opened his door and ushered me out.

And he was right.

So in celebration of his declaration I decided to do what I wanted to do.

Which was not eat it.

I destroyed it.

And it felt great.

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Sweet Dreams World.

P.s. I’m back now.

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63 replies

  1. Hi there! Just wanted to let you know I nominated you for a Liebster Award! Check it out here:

    http://sophpearl.wordpress.com/2013/11/15/a-clean-bathroom-and-a-liebster-for-the-win/

  2. Ohhh boy 30 is middle aged. I am wondering what 53 is then? One foot in the grave?? YIKES!!!!!!

  3. Perfect! Haha…
    You got yourself the most gorgeous Chanel cake. Destroyed it. Traumatised the doc. Then mocked him on your blog…
    And you only turned 29! By the time you turn 31, you’ll be ready for world dominion. Or something.
    Happy birthday!! 😀

  4. As a 49 year youngster I celebrate your journey. Keep checking though. Catching something early gives a higher chance of kicking it’s ass.

  5. It’s so true!!! My body actually started to rebel against me when I turned 25, but when I hit 30 it went on strike. I now lunge in my office. Helloooooo {waving to confused office mates}

  6. Fantastic. managed to make me smile today which is a fucking miracle! Thank you!

  7. I turned 31 last month. I still hadn’t gotten over the fact that 12months earlier I turned 30. I work two jobs and whilst other friends are busy planning weddings or getting mortgages, my bf are still renting and all I wanna do is eat cake, sleep all day and play video games every night. I’m pretty sure, you’re going to be okay. *lol*

  8. Really funny and really honest. I’m 35 and that shakiness comes and goes and comes again with me. It was good to read about it here. Great post.

  9. Having recently turned the ripe old age of 31, this post made me smile. 29 didn’t bother me, 30 didn’t bother me, 31 hit me like a ton of bricks…don’t know why, but it did. Anyway, 2 months in and I’ve gotten over it, but I’m sure 32 will be more of the same.

    Anyway, great post, definitely made me smile!

  10. If you’re worried about diabetes, I can recommend the paleo diet: http://thepaleodiet.com/. Works wonders.

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