A Day Like This

There will be days that start with the gleeful cheer of your spouse shouting he told you so.

Where he will run victoriously and obnoxiously throughout the house in nothing but his boxers screaming to the world of his triumph.

There will be days when your two year old innocently looks in your general direction and sweetly murmurs the word “beautiful.” And silly you – you will think he’s referring to you, his mother, only to find that he was gushing over another kid’s mom standing right behind you.

You will stare at him as he stares at her wishing with every ounce of his tiny little body that he could extract her DNA and replace it with the part that’s yours.

You will continue rapidly grabbing anything and everything at the grocery store, only to have that same two year old scream obscenities you didn’t even know existed. You will desperately try to bribe him with canned corn or salad dressing – but that will only make things worse. You will receive looks of scorn and condescension from other parents who have raised their kids “right” while you desperately try to weigh your options. And as badly as you want to smack him on the caboose – your pride would never let you be labeled “that woman” you know – the one who spanks her kid in public.

I would be a legend to suburban moms here in Canada – a cautionary tale. The woman they threaten to leave their kids with if they’re bad.

But days like these never just end there.

Never.

my dead plant

You will go on twitter to compliment someone, only to have them interpret your tweet as a sinister, backhanded insult about their dreams and aspirations – and then they’ll go on to tweet about it.

And it will suck.

Your husband will giggle madly with the chubby yet charming Barista at Starbucks while he orders his White Chocolate Mocha Frappaccino with no whip.  You will sit and wait patiently and politely for the two to stop making stupid jokes about the weather.

All you care about is taking that first sip of that non-fat latte with one sugar.

She will get your order wrong – while delivering to your husband the most perfect ice blended coffee she has ever made.

The hot beverage will taste like ass and you will want to steam her to death – all the while your spouse shrugs it off and tells you it’s no big deal.

You’ll want to steam him to death too.

There will be days when you turn to Fox news for accurate coverage on events going on in the Middle East.

Days when global events render everyone on social media and “expert” politician.

Thankfully these days don’t happen often.

Your plants will die, your son will shriek the word “fucktard” at day care, and you’ll stub your toe on everything.

You’ll have a major pimple on your face, you’ll run out of toilet paper on the can, and worst of all – you’ll have forgotten to buy chocolate from the store.

There is no optimistic message here – no quotes from motivational posters found in elementary schools or psych wards.

It just is what it is.

All you can hope for when you are sitting all by yourself on the toilet without hope, with no prospects, is that someone will be home to give you toilet paper – even if that someone is two.

And if you’re really lucky, that two year old will rip off his pants, plant his little caboose on his potty – and he’ll share that moment with you.

Sweet Dreams World

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84 replies

  1. I couldn’t relate to most of the content yet at this point in my life. But the toilet sharing moment at the end warmed my heart.
    Great humour! 🙂

  2. Great post. Some days, right enough.x

  3. Reblogged this on Interested Minds and commented:
    Ok… ran into this post and it’s great!

  4. if your lucky, it won’t be a public bathroom…

  5. Love it! With three kids, a hubby, indoor cat and indoor dog many unplanned and unimaginable things happen in my house, but they never seem to be as funny as your list is. Thanks for sharing pieces of your fun life.

  6. I remember those days…the kids are grown with children of their own, but the stuff still happens occasionally. It is truly a gift to look back on days like that and find humor. Wonderful sarcasm!

  7. Definitely a Mercury in retrograde day.

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