Under Construction

“Honey.”

 

I know it can’t be good. Four years of marriage doesn’t grant you free affection. The age of whispering sweet nothings to your spouse firmly expires at year two.

 

Four years however does grant you knowledge – it grants you habit – it grants you the street smarts you need to navigate a commitment. 

 

It grants you the gift that when you’re partner says “Honey” it can only mean one thing. 

 

And today – it means there’s something wrong. 

I remember the last time he said “Honey.” It was when he had the genius idea of flushing a whole sliced watermelon down the toilet. 

I believe he called it “cleaning.” 

It was when the toilet inevitably clogged – that I called it a fuck up. 

But was he done? 

No. 

How did he want to unclog the toilet you ask? 

Listerine. 

Yup – the mouth wash. 

For some reason he thought a whole bottle of teeth whitening Listerine would disintegrate the whole 3 pounds of freshly sliced heavenly goodness that is watermelon. 

 

Did it work? 

Haha. 

No. 

Of course it didn’t work. 

So I braced myself for what this morning’s “Honey” could mean. I wondered what youtube video I would have look at today for DIY plumbing. 

“First, promise you won’t get mad.”

I can feel myself starting to get mad.

“Honey, the light fixture in the kitchen is leaking. So I unscrewed the lightbulb – you know, the see where the leak was coming from and more water came out.”

 

“You WHAT?”

Why do  men believe that basic science doesn’t apply to them – does the Oedipus Complex leave only to bring on a subconscious desire to kill themselves?

I will remain calm. 

You see, I have to – because if I don’t, he won’t tell me everything. So, I maintain my nonchalant tone. 

“Oh, and our home insurance expired two weeks ago.” 

You see, my beautiful husband is the eternal optimist. 

And I am his polar opposite. 

He thinks “haha how funny is it that our house falls apart only two weeks after our insurance protects us.”

 

And I’m thinking – “oh my God. The fates are conspiring against us – this is a bad omen – let’s go sacrifice my husband’s computer for good Karma.” 

I need to grieve the loss of my beautiful kitchen – and I do so by blaming him. 

“It’s because you sit in the bath for hours!” I shriek. 

We scramble to call a plumber – begging them to come as soon as possible – claiming that it is a life or death situation. 

So they come, as fast as they can. 

The man tears through my kitchen ceiling – then through the bedroom – leaving gaping holes in every room he enters. 

Image

His prognosis is finally complete. 

He asks the simple question – 

“Did any of you take a shower this morning?”

“Honey?” My husband glares at me – as I shamefully nod. 

It turns out this one was all on me. His soaking in the bath for hours was inconsequential.

I can feel his smug grin and his “I told you it wasn’t me” stare. 

“Damn YOU stupid shower!” I yell and shake my fist threateningly at the inanimate cubicle of cleanliness in our bathroom. I want to kick the bathtub as hard as I can – but I won’t give him the satisfaction.

And just like that – he won. 

 

Sweet Dreams World. 

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56 replies

  1. My husband is the eternal optimist too. It drives me INSANE.

  2. Wait! What actually happened? How did a shower lead to the light turning into a water nozzle!? And I’m so going to be like him. I can’t wait to find the woman I’m supposed to drive insane the rest of our lives.

    • Excellent question – so the shower is actually right on top of the kitchen – and that’s all I know. After he outed me, I hid. And soon enough darling – you will find one hell of a woman who will mutually drive you insane. I mean – that’s the dream right? 😛

      • You better get a better explanation than that once all is said and done… it went through the floor of your bathroom to the ceiling of the kitchen, unless you shower on your floor instead of in the bathtub it makes absolutely no sense!!! I feel rather irritated with the plumber.

  3. All you need is a cat to poke its head down through the hole in the ceiling and All will be Right with the World.

  4. I am the pessimist and I am multi-crafted. I can blame and fix simultaneously. 🙂

  5. In my case I am the easy one but I hear ya : honey…. Lol… Loved reading it..

  6. This is my husband. No question. 😉

  7. I read your blog and thought by the end “Geez, these two are perfect for each other. They’re both clueless.”. That sounds more mean than it’s intended.

    Take this from someone who has been married twenty years and has survived — It is not love that keeps you together, it’s tolerance. Occasionally a blunt instrument helps. If that doesn’t help, take a shower together.

  8. haha the watermelon thing is a hilarious idea. I love his imagination

  9. Did ceiling cat ever come out through that hole?

  10. Honey (n): a sticky, messy, urine-coloured, pseudo-liquified, processed insect vomit comprised of leg-humping, thigh-clumping plant sperm that does it’s best to be sweet

    Sound about right?

  11. Whaaaaat? But showers don’t usually leak like that, right?

    Wow, well I’m glad that your home remains mostly dry then. 🙂

  12. I like the watermelon episode more..
    Listerine for melting watermelon sounds extremely creative!
    I needed inspiration and I have got it .. !!! 😀

  13. Sounds so like my male flatmate of the past year. Only add three more of them. 4 guys. Me. Lets just say I’m so glad I had my own toilet. Well written and funny! Was a brilliant read!!

  14. I simply cannot get enough of your blog!

  15. Oh my…Listerine, seriously? I’m the screw up in my marriage but I gotta hand it to your husband–mouthwash to unclog a toilet is another level of “you have a wonderful brain and no one will ever figure out how it works.”

  16. I’m glad I read this before I tried that watermelon thing…. LOL

  17. Gotta love marriage!

  18. doncha hate it when that happens? It’s no different at 38 years, it’s just that you know the script better. So sorry for your holey house…

  19. Any intelligent man knows that coca cola was the way to get er done in the first place.

  20. Yup, you’re describing a happily married couple: “First, promise you won’t get mad.” / I can feel myself starting to get mad.

  21. You gotta love his creativity in solving problems and… ahem… cleaning! That would never happen in our house though I’m happy to say. We are both far too practical.. and patient. If however, either of those qualities simultaneously fails, we have a back up…. wine 🙂

  22. I loved reading this. Very entertaining lol

  23. This “honey” thing used to happen when I was married, the way you both handle problems is hilarious! But you balance each other and it somehow works, right?! Take care, Robin

  24. I like the humor and wit in it 🙂 Enjoyed reading it!

  25. Thanks for the visit….I’m divorced thrice and single now 😉

  26. Hmmmm… i’ll have to make my own story how showering caused that. Hahah I hope I get to have a fun marriage too.

  27. You know…winning is all about point of view. My thoughts are that if you do not admit to anything…then he has won nothing. And you can go about with your righteous indignation and hatred of long baths. However I would recommend that you make sure your insurance is up to date. The plumbing gods are rather petty!

  28. I was once a husband now I can only blame myself…

  29. Fates, showers and husbands can be cruel things … 🙂

  30. Hi Shareen, if you get a chance, do stop by at simplyvegetarian777@wordpress 🙂
    Thanks
    Sonal

  31. OMG This is hilarious. I just had to follow you in hopes that there will be more some day.

    http://www.catssica.wordpress.com

  32. Haven’t found someone else as entertaining to read. Addictive. 🙂

    There, the bar is high now.

    Looking forward to the next one. I hope your life isn’t really so challenging – is it? I’m on 9 years marriage. Going well I think, but I have my theories about it. 🙂

  33. I am sorry but I laughed hysterically at this. I hope your kitchen and house are ok. But it sounded just like my house. Thank you.

  34. hahah 🙂 good one! loved it !!

  35. LMAO! I will not compliment you again, the curse of a writer is compliments! Have you written a book? You know I remember the plumber having to cut a hole under my shower just because the stupid drain was leaking. I decided to install speaker wire, my wife came home with have of the ceiling in the great room removed. I said fuck it! there was a whole there anyway minds as well install my home theater. Big Mistake! So it could be worse, That is funny!

  36. I was thinking a whole in the ceiling! They are not even the same room, that can not be the best design we can come up with! I love this blog

  37. Funny story, sounds like you two mesh well. Balance is key 🙂

  38. HA ! Great post. Thanks for offering some good insightful words for us who are “spoused” … May I encourage you with … 1) you are still writing; 2) you are still writing well; and 3) not only did he wind, but you both win, because you both are still pushing through this molasses together. Keep on being a team. Keep writing. Have a good weekend.

  39. I would have screamed…and then cried!! Did you forget to put the shower curtain in?

  40. I actually think cleaning a toilet (bog, to non Americanos or wannabe Yanks from Canada) with a watermelon is a bloody good idea, so much so that im going to try it right now. But it is 2am,i can’t sleep therefore bored, plus im not in my own shit pile i call home, im at my girlfriends “Everything in it’s place” bollocks of a show house she calls her home because i “never do ANYTHING” ,conviently forgetting the washing up i did at Xmas.
    So yeah,I’ll show her who does nothing, im going to clean her bastard bog with a watermelon and Listerine. Cheers for sparking my brain into action, it’s all your fault.
    BTW, my ex came from Edmonton, she was a major slut and a psychotic bitch, she wouldn’t be friend would she?

  41. LOL… I enjoyed reading this. What a delightful tale of domestic bliss, and the eternal patience we all have with one another. Great post!

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