Today I got in trouble with my mom because I said this:
In case it’s not clear – I called her a douche bag. This is why.
I woke up this morning at 7:45, was mommy there? No. Even after I called her for a whopping 32 seconds – I was alone – with nothing better to do than sample my own poop, which is yucky.
She caught me this morning and she wasn’t happy.
“NO!! NO we don’t eat our poo poo my little nom nom, my little honey bunny, my little Engoogles.”
I keep trying to explain to her that NONE of those are my name.
Ske kept making disgusted faces at me saying I was a “stinky binky” as she pawned me off onto my father. Does she actually think I don’t understand what she’s doing? What happened to unconditional love – even through severely soiled diapers.
My dad gets me – he understands my needs. After cleaning me he passed over my two essentials – my orange juice and my leap pad. Daddy knows how good that first juice box is in the morning.
A man’s gotta know what’s happening in the world right?
Of course – my mom just couldn’t deal. “He has to go brush his teeth, come on – NOW! He has to go to daycare, he’s going to be late, blah blah blah.”
What a nag. But I love her.
Or so she makes me tell her about 50 million times a day.
Anyways, it’s time to start the daily grind.
Dad gets me ready for school and then has me brush my teeth last – out of spite. He likes to make mommy angry, I think it makes him happy.
I hate day care. The toys smell funny. Ok fine, I’ll tell you a secret – I hate daycare because it makes me miss mommy and daddy and the doggies. So this morning I made a wish that I wouldn’t go to daycare.
And it worked.
Mommy said I could stay home. I did my happy dance – and to make it up to her, I decided to be a good boy. Ok that’s a lie. I didn’t wish. I kept pouring my juice on my shirts out of protest until she caved – and that worked.
Ok – well not only that, I also hijacked her phone and took pictures that look like this – and THAT worked.
I made it worth her while.
I cleaned the house for her.
And then I fed the dogs – by pouring their food on the floor for their convenience. Although mommy wasn’t too happy with that. Sigh, everyone’s a critic.
Mommy then asked me what I wanted for lunch, I told her I wanted square cheese – so she made grilled cheese. If I was at a restaurant I would have pulled a Gordon Ramsay and thrown the food on the floor in outrage.
My daddy then tried to coerce me to take a nap. As he was getting me ready, mommy walked in and saw me doing this:
Needless to say – she lost it. She stormed out of the room after she yelled at daddy – I think she said something along the lines of “he learned that from YOU!”
After I “woke” up, it was back to just daddy and me. I was playing match the shapes and daddy was playing Star Craft – Heart of the Swarm.
And I’m pretty sure mommy was downstairs working on her 15th cup of coffee and 2nd bag of Reese’s
Dinner was yucky – so I fed it to the dogs. Daddy gave me Cheerios instead.
So I decided to make it rain Cheerios – what? I’m two. You would do the same. Well most of you would – with the exception of my mommy who doesn’t believe in happiness.
Remember how I told you that mommy lost it earlier?
Yeah, that was nothing compared to how pissed she was when she saw me (joyfully) tossing Cheerios into the air.
“NO!! Pick those up NOW!”
So I pointed my finger at her…
and called her a douche bag.
I got in big trouble. Even though I don’t know why – daddy was laughing really hard.
Needless to say – I was sent to bed early.
Sweet Dreams World