Day – 30: A Day in the Life of Little A

Today I got in trouble with my mom because I said this:

In case it’s not clear – I called her a douche bag. This is why.

I woke up this morning at 7:45, was mommy there? No. Even after I called her for a whopping 32 seconds – I was alone – with nothing better to do than sample my own poop, which is yucky.

She caught me this morning and she wasn’t happy.

“NO!! NO we don’t eat our poo poo my little nom nom, my little honey bunny, my little Engoogles.”

I keep trying to explain to her that NONE of those are my name.

Ske kept making disgusted faces at me saying I was a “stinky binky” as she pawned me off onto my father. Does she actually think I don’t understand what she’s doing? What happened to unconditional love – even through severely soiled diapers.

My dad gets me – he understands my needs. After cleaning me he passed over my two essentials – my orange juice and my leap pad. Daddy knows how good that first juice box is in the morning.

Image

A man’s gotta know what’s happening in the world right?

Of course – my mom just couldn’t deal. “He has to go brush his teeth, come on – NOW! He has to go to daycare, he’s going to be late, blah blah blah.”

What a nag. But I love her.

Or so she makes me tell her about 50 million times a day.

Anyways, it’s time to start the daily grind.

Dad gets me ready for school and then has me brush my teeth last – out of spite. He likes to make mommy angry, I think it makes him happy.

daily grind

I hate day care. The toys smell funny. Ok fine, I’ll tell you a secret – I hate daycare because it makes me miss mommy and daddy and the doggies. So this morning I made a wish that I wouldn’t go to daycare.

And it worked.

Mommy said I could stay home. I did my happy dance – and to make it up to her, I decided to be a good boy. Ok that’s a lie. I didn’t wish. I kept pouring my juice on my shirts out of protest until she caved – and that worked.

Ok – well not only that, I also hijacked her phone and took pictures that look like this – and THAT worked.

Engoogles

I made it worth her while.

I cleaned the house for her.

scrub

And then I fed the dogs – by pouring their food on the floor for their convenience. Although mommy wasn’t too happy with that. Sigh, everyone’s a critic.

feed the pups

Mommy then asked me what I wanted for lunch, I told her I wanted square cheese – so she made grilled cheese. If I was at a restaurant I would have pulled a Gordon Ramsay and thrown the food on the floor in outrage.

My daddy then tried to coerce me to take a nap. As he was getting me ready, mommy walked in and saw me doing this:

naughty

Needless to say – she lost it. She stormed out of the room after she yelled at daddy – I think she said something along the lines of “he learned that from YOU!”

After I “woke” up, it was back to just daddy and me. I was playing match the shapes and daddy was playing Star Craft – Heart of the Swarm.

And I’m pretty sure mommy was downstairs working on her 15th cup of coffee and 2nd bag of Reese’s

Dinner was yucky – so I fed it to the dogs. Daddy gave me Cheerios instead.

So I decided to make it rain Cheerios – what? I’m two. You would do the same. Well most of you would – with the exception of my mommy who doesn’t believe in happiness.

makin it rain

Remember how I told you that mommy lost it earlier?

Yeah, that was nothing compared to how pissed she was when she saw me (joyfully) tossing Cheerios into the air.

“NO!! Pick those up NOW!”

So I pointed my finger at her…

raaaage

and called her a douche bag.

I got in big trouble. Even though I don’t know why – daddy was laughing really hard.

Needless to say  – I was sent to bed early.

nighty night

Sweet Dreams World

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50 replies

  1. Brilliant, after the day I have just had with my two year old and her door slamming tantrum. I needed a laugh….

  2. Unfortunately, I’m almost positive my kids will call me worse.

  3. I’m cracking up!! Reading this to my wife while she’s trying to work…

  4. This is absolutely hilarious! Love it!

  5. Oh!! I relate to this!! Add in a 3 & 4 year old enticing the boy child…I spend many days wishing I had more wine.

  6. Superb – I’ve been there (from a father’s perspective, of course!).

  7. Awww! Baby’s first “Douche bag.”

  8. Reading your post was the best way to start my day!

  9. Oh my God, this is like reading A Day in the Life of Me. My son is two. He puts all the dog food into the dog’s water every day. Then eats it. He’s completely potty trained, but when he wants to play in the bath, he’ll crap his pants on purpose so I let him bathe. And so many more two-year-old-things that I’m sure you’d understand. Love this post!

  10. I love how you write this from a child’s view. When my son was two, he was embarrassing me in a public restrooms by saying, “Mommy, are you going Poopie? GOOD GIRL! I’m so proud of you!” Kids! They really are too funny.

  11. LOL! Brings back the memories…thanks for the laugh!

  12. Absolutely adorable!!! Great piece! 😀

  13. This is hilarious! It’s an awesome way to start the day! LOL. Your kiddo is freaking adorable!

  14. Love it. lol. Too funny. Fun to read life from a child’s perspective.

  15. Handsome chap, but hoooooo am going to tell mommy :0)

  16. Absolutely hilarious! You are an extremely humorous writer!

  17. Funny and very clever- you made me laugh and that’s always a gift

  18. Shareen, what a wonderful blog, as I read through it, new flashes kept popping up in my head, GOD my daughter must have said those same things to me and about me, expect for the douche bag part. Thank you for the great smile. Also thank you for stopping by my blog and liking my current post. Good luck and please take care, Bill

  19. Kids do say the darndest things! Wait until his 16 going on 26. Thanks for stopping by my weak attempt at a blog and for your inspiration. Nice job.

  20. Haha this is perfection. I don’t have kids yet but I’m sure when it happens, in for it.

  21. And it only rained cat toys in my house. I am clearly missing something. : )

  22. Had a class focused on mediators of stress a few days ago and one of the biggest things that came up was humour–especially for those caring for children. (I guess laughter really is a great medicine!)

    Anyway, just wanted to thank you for such a humourous post. I hope you have a wonderful week! : )

  23. great read, enjoy every minute, it goes by soooo fast! Wish i could go back and do it all over again!

  24. Awesomely funny post. I posted my now 5 year old on “Sh#$ my kids ruined” http://www.shitmykidsruined.com/ at least a couple of times. That blog used to have me on the floor laughing. Yours ditto. The POV is such an excellent idea! -cheers, bllu

  25. That was beyond Redonkulous! Glad I was not enjoying a beverage, as it surely would have come out my nose and soiled my tablet. Great read!

  26. Great stuff! He’s a real cutie!

  27. Sheer greatness hahaha. Well done.

  28. I can’t stop watching the video and laughing!!

  29. You never fail to make me smile with your ramblings…. Thank you 🙂

  30. This with the pictures was precious to me! I know how challenging toddlers are and all the messes they create. Funny!! Thanks for the memories and chuckles!

  31. I just wanted to thank you for taking the time to read my blog it means alot. thank you

  32. Blahahahah! Hysterical! I remember those days. I actually miss them(?). But I would NOT have another baby on purpose. Hahaha. 5 is enough. Encouragement? It gets better and you will look back on these days and laugh your head off:)

  33. Friggin’ hilarious! Like your write a post as the clueless and super-naughty two-year-old tactic. Made my day, mama.

  34. Reblogged this on I Don’t Have Time to Write This! and commented:
    Just discovered a funny mommy blogger. This post cracked me up.

  35. I wish I could love not just like this, we have so much to look forward to when LO turns two!

  36. Well written, and brilliantly funny – all the more so since those of us with kids can readily identify with the situations you describe – having experienced them ourselves ! 😆

  37. So funny! You captured every moment perfectly.

  38. As parents we always seem at a complete loss as to our offspring antics. Where did he? Well who taught her that? They heard your brother say it?….but they often mimic us, the parent person in charge. And their version of us is always way better then the original. Lol. Good luck. My oldest is 17, my baby is 8. So I’m in between with the 11 and 13 year olds acting the fool.

  39. Hahaha just the laugh that I needed!

  40. Not sure if you got my other nomination, but here’s another because your humor and your storytelling inspires me 🙂 http://robertmudge.wordpress.com/2013/03/21/very-inspiring-blogger-award/

  41. This was awesome. Darling kiddo.

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