Day -29: Mommy Bloggers are THE Sex.

The conference room was a speckled array of cardigans, designer totes, tablets, and lipstick stained coffee mugs.

You guessed it.

I spent the past three days at a blog conference. Which in this day in age is truly synonymous with being at a  “Mommy Blogger” get together.

Photo on 13-03-05 at 2.30 PM

And these mommies were making it rain cash money.

Several speakers boasted  about their much deserved success – claiming they were the new bread winners of the family. A feat worth every amount of sheer respect.

“How much exactly do you make per month?” A mommy asked.

Personally shocked at the blatant intrusion of personal information – the speaker didn’t miss a beat as she verbally filed her taxes – reciting her earnings nonchalantly for the past 6 months. She concluded her speech with the very optimistic “Only 2 percent make it, so I don’t want you leaving here thinking you can make as much as we do.”

Ouch.

Dream killer.

These mommies do not kid around.

Colourful business cards, impeccable Pintrest spreads, blogs designed by professionals – and then there was me, with my tongue in cheek – attempting desperately to be funny,  blog.

I was screwed.

“What do you write about dear?” Asked another mommy.

“I write a funny blog,” I replied – trying with every ounce of my soul to keep a straight face.

“Oh a fashion blog. How nice!”

“No, I said funny – a funny blog.”

“I think fashion definitely suits you,” she affirmed as she started to rub shoulders with someone more worthy of her time.

Because you see – at a conference – you’re only as valuable as your ROI – return on investment, and at this point I was the equivalent of a deficit.

It’s a blog eat blog world, and at this conference you’re only as sexy as your stats. The true MILFs were averaging anywhere between 20,000 to 50,000 views per month – which I suppose would leave me as the single mom,  binge-eating-stripper, in their analytics world.

Photo on 13-03-09 at 6.00 PM #2

These women are not digital damsels in distress – oh no – they know their way around all social media. Which come to think of it, if I was one of their children, I would fear for my life. All it would take is one hormonal teenage quip and my Facebook page would be smothered in images of me stuffing my face with a turkey leg.

I observed attentively in my corner of comfort, sipping on my lukewarm cup of coffee,  as each mother explained that she didn’t blog about a toys or children’s product without her personal stamp of approval – which made me wonder – what did the children think? I mean shouldn’t they have a say?

Which then led to my epiphany – children should be the new mommy bloggers. I mean who better can judge how awesome the latest Nintendo or Disney Princess is? Each child could come to school sporting various brand logos – where the cool kids would make Lego and Barbie fight over their backpack rights and the little me’s could be billboards for the knockoff toys.

Thoroughly demoralized by the impressive caliber of ladies in the room – I helped myself to several plates of pastries. I guess they could smell the carbs on my breath, because soon a group of lovely women surrounded me and began to discuss online acronyms.

“It’s all about the SEO honey, and you have just got to do that Google Author thing.”

“Oh definitely, the REL Author makes ALL the difference. And do not get me started on plugins.”

Needless to say – someone got her started on plugins.

I stood there and nodded confidently with croissant in my mouth – having absolutely no idea what they were talking about.

Photo on 13-03-10 at 7.13 PM #2

Later that night I went home and talked to my blue dragon for affirmation. He told me that funny blogs are cool but that mommy blogs are cooler.

So I threw him away.

Photo on 13-03-10 at 7.25 PM

Whether you are a mommy blogger or a funny blogger – learn.

Because the truth is – the answers you are looking for, could be nestled comfortably in the words of a blogger that writes about lamp shade dust.

Sweet Dreams World

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111 replies

  1. Very funny. Was thinking about maybe attending one of these but now I am having second thoughts

  2. Money is not the inducator of success for a blog in my opinion. Its a platform for sharing your thoughts. So you are a success with that. Now making money from a blog is difficult in my opinion and I have 7000 subscribers but I don’t I try not to let that have an effect on my attitude. Keep doing your thing!!!!!

    • My thoughts exactly, except I don’t have the subscribers you do! But I completely agree money is not the indicator of success for a blog. Being able to print something which is instantly available to the public is a huge, recent privilege. So keep at it!!

  3. This had me laughing out loud. I think I pissed off my co-workers. Great post!

  4. I am so very glad I stumbled here!! [lukewarm coffee in hand at the moment] … I will be venturing back. But I do kind of feel sorry for the dragon. ; )

  5. lmbo. you have a new follower…lol Too funny. 🙂

  6. Hey there,

    Thank you for liking my post. I had a sports accident on 15th December 2011 and have been trying to recover since. My spinal injury has been the toughest challenge in my life, and I really want to say thank you for supporting me, it honestly means a lot to me.

    You are do have “a funny blog” keep up the great work!

    Your friend,
    Lucas

    http://www.leveluphealth.wordpress.com

  7. So I need to start writing mommy blogs? Right. Now I must go find a child!

  8. I can’t even imagine a blog conference, I bet it was so entertaining! I write about the kids I nanny and I basically feel like a mom! Can I join the mommy blog club?!

  9. I love your pictures. This was awesome. 🙂

  10. Thanks for the heads up. Funny is the only way to go.

  11. We are so busy blogging and befriendiing, we have no more time to read? (Or think.) It has been a pleasure in any case to “meet” you. Best, Wm. Eaton, montaigbakhtinian.com

  12. Ok I’ve read two of your posts now. That’s it. I’m following you 😉

  13. Just started following your blog and you are very funny. Love ya blog lady 🙂

  14. I’ve really enjoyed reading your blogs and so I thought I’d nominate you for the Liebster Award! For into: http://bastetandsekhmet.wordpress.com/2013/03/13/ive-been-liebstered-bazinga/

  15. You have earned another follower in me. Love your sense of humor!

  16. Don’t make the Germans mad! Accept this Liebsterschwazennüganprizen Award that I hath bequeathed you! http://comicallysmallpenis.wordpress.com/2013/03/13/like-hof-i-must-be-big-in-germany/

  17. Thank you for confirming my belief in why I’m trying this blogging thing. Have no idea what I’m doing, but do know I like what it does for me personally. Having fun, confirming my enjoyment of creative writing and giving me space from my husband! It’s not about the money, it’s about what makes you happy. Thank you for stopping by my foundling attempt at a blog. Good luck to you.

  18. Well, I’m just glad that you stopped by my blog, even if you aren’t as fancy-dancy as those ladies at the conference! 🙂 I THINK I’m honest when I say that I’m just glad to be blogging and I enjoy doing it…even if it isn’t earning me a living!

  19. i love your voice! work it out, sister! happy to be your newest fan! 🙂 🙂 🙂

  20. Excellent. Thanks for stopping by the other day. Happy to find you. You survived a mommy blogger conference. That takes guts. Rest assured, your “fashion” blog rocks. I can’t wait to try on that outfit you said I should buy or my life will be over. All best wishes.

  21. I’m basically confirming what others say, but I’ve liked many of your posts so much that I had to write. This one about the Mommy bloggers conference was hilarious. I especially related to your commiserating with your blue dragon. It was a great reminder of how I should remember that the smallest things are often the most fun and interesting to write about. Rockin! –bllu

  22. (* Beware chap getting involved! *) Admittedly I’m new to this, but it’s been an ace way to while away the night as our newest refuses to sleep and I’ve loved what I’ve read. Definitely the fashioniest fashion blog I’ve perused! Obviously I’m not completely down with the lingo yet, but everything I’ve read so far has been really fashion.
    Looking forward to more laughs!

  23. I am so unsure about this whole blogging thing but one thing is certain – your blog inspires me! Thank you. None of us should take this too seriously and you’ve hit the nail on the head. Is there no place safe from the queen bees!

  24. I find your blog very entertaining. You should keep doing it.
    I can already sense that my encouragement will mean the world to you…

  25. The day I accept a penny for my blog posts I’ll trash my computer. But then, I am retired, so I get paid to sit home and speak my mind. Nice work if you can get it.

  26. You were right…you do right a funny blog. Who needs fashion?

  27. …and another two things – with some people, you’d have more chance of decent conversation if you sewed a larynx onto a lamb shank. Wait! There’s more…several have their heads so far up themselves, they could perform their own tonsillectomy with their teeth. #justsaying

  28. Ouch fierce and, no doubt true …. any body seen a blue dragon ??
    🙂

  29. well some people write for money, and some write for themselves:-) Who do you want to be? BTW thanks for liking my recent post http://annikenbinz.wordpress.com/2013/03/16/we-all-know-it-there-is-no-guarantee/

  30. I always thought plugins were those things guys got when they started losing their hair…

  31. Money? From blogging? Uh uh no way lol….

  32. Poor dragon! But I understand the frustration, it really does feel like it’s blog eat blog out there. Silly people, blogging should be fun, not competitive.

  33. Thanks for making me smile and laugh. Great post. I too would love to learn more about blogging and all that is associated with it, but time and my dial-up internet connection, prevent me at this point. Though I hang onto the idea that one day I will live with wifi and then blast off into the blogging stratosphere…now, if only I could get 50 likes on one post – that would make my year! (:

  34. hilarious… you are really a funny blog. Thanks for visiting my blog. I think you are on your way to the 2%. Me, I am just doing this to stay sane! haha

  35. Thank you for liking my blog! Yours is great…I really like it and you have a new follower. Question…you seem to be established in the blog-sphere. How do I get people to leave comments? I am getting a nice foothold on viewers but they don’t leave comments. Any advice???

  36. I absolutely loved this! I started blogging because it was a way to share information that I found personally useful as a writer. It was also a way for me to publicly share my fiction. More power to those who make a profit!

  37. xD I did not know most bloggers are mommies, but I did know that mommies are very, very intimidating. It’s the females that are the superiors of the species, everyone knows that. But oh my god, the politics involved. I imagine I would feel the same way at an IT conference. … But I might be surrounded by men, and the other women in the room would eat me alive. Not that there’s much meat on me. Good day!

  38. Fantastic blog…i am still fairly new to blogging..and think my blog does “ok” my my own blog standards…if someone likes a post…i consider it a success….
    I don’t make money off of it….was even debating if I even wanted to go that route….
    But as long as i am happy with my blog….im not worried if someone else thinks it is a failure…

    Happy Bloggin’ ….love your posts….

  39. A bloggers conference? Who knew? Well now I do. And I enjoy your humor. A good laugh means more to me than fashion or toys or playdates and frankly, those ads those mommy bloggers have all over their “blog” just make it annoying and impersonal. Thanks for being real, keep up the good work. And I’m so flattered that a funny blog would visit my blog! (http://willingheartwoundedhealer@wordpress.com)

  40. Go over the part again about how you make money with a blog. I have to be a funny mom to make it work? Would it generate enough revenue to cover the shots and the operation? (oh…and a new wardrobe.)

  41. Funny post!! I am a novice Mommy Blogger. Not making any money. Not a ton of followers (I think 11 is the highest number of “likes” I’ve had on any one post). But I’m writing anyway … for fun, to share about the funny parts of parenting, mostly.

    If it means anything, I’d have stuffed my face with croissants next to you. 🙂

  42. I’m not expecting to be asked to review a 50″ TV anytime soon on my blog(although that would be great if anyone wants me to…). For me, it is more of a way to express those thoughts that it might otherwise be socially unacceptable to mention!!

  43. I’ve nominated you for a Versatile Blogger award. If you choose to accept the nomination, check out my site, Postcards from Italy (Blog Awards page). Here’s the link:
    http://www.nataliasarkissian.wordpress.com.

  44. A blogging conference? Mommy bloggers making money from blogs? Anyone making money from blogs? I guess I’m doing this blogging thing all wrong. . . or am I doing the Mom-thing wrong? Either way, I like my way better! And I would much rather read a funny blog than any kind of product review. . . so keep it up! 😀

  45. Wow. I know I am late to the game here, but this post is funny. I think I am with you on all the acronyms. I think I write a humorous blog, but you have me thinking of picking up fashion…
    Thanks for the laughs.

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