The conference room was a speckled array of cardigans, designer totes, tablets, and lipstick stained coffee mugs.
You guessed it.
I spent the past three days at a blog conference. Which in this day in age is truly synonymous with being at a “Mommy Blogger” get together.
And these mommies were making it rain cash money.
Several speakers boasted about their much deserved success – claiming they were the new bread winners of the family. A feat worth every amount of sheer respect.
“How much exactly do you make per month?” A mommy asked.
Personally shocked at the blatant intrusion of personal information – the speaker didn’t miss a beat as she verbally filed her taxes – reciting her earnings nonchalantly for the past 6 months. She concluded her speech with the very optimistic “Only 2 percent make it, so I don’t want you leaving here thinking you can make as much as we do.”
These mommies do not kid around.
Colourful business cards, impeccable Pintrest spreads, blogs designed by professionals – and then there was me, with my tongue in cheek – attempting desperately to be funny, blog.
I was screwed.
“What do you write about dear?” Asked another mommy.
“I write a funny blog,” I replied – trying with every ounce of my soul to keep a straight face.
“Oh a fashion blog. How nice!”
“No, I said funny – a funny blog.”
“I think fashion definitely suits you,” she affirmed as she started to rub shoulders with someone more worthy of her time.
Because you see – at a conference – you’re only as valuable as your ROI – return on investment, and at this point I was the equivalent of a deficit.
It’s a blog eat blog world, and at this conference you’re only as sexy as your stats. The true MILFs were averaging anywhere between 20,000 to 50,000 views per month – which I suppose would leave me as the single mom, binge-eating-stripper, in their analytics world.
These women are not digital damsels in distress – oh no – they know their way around all social media. Which come to think of it, if I was one of their children, I would fear for my life. All it would take is one hormonal teenage quip and my Facebook page would be smothered in images of me stuffing my face with a turkey leg.
I observed attentively in my corner of comfort, sipping on my lukewarm cup of coffee, as each mother explained that she didn’t blog about a toys or children’s product without her personal stamp of approval – which made me wonder – what did the children think? I mean shouldn’t they have a say?
Which then led to my epiphany – children should be the new mommy bloggers. I mean who better can judge how awesome the latest Nintendo or Disney Princess is? Each child could come to school sporting various brand logos – where the cool kids would make Lego and Barbie fight over their backpack rights and the little me’s could be billboards for the knockoff toys.
Thoroughly demoralized by the impressive caliber of ladies in the room – I helped myself to several plates of pastries. I guess they could smell the carbs on my breath, because soon a group of lovely women surrounded me and began to discuss online acronyms.
“It’s all about the SEO honey, and you have just got to do that Google Author thing.”
“Oh definitely, the REL Author makes ALL the difference. And do not get me started on plugins.”
Needless to say – someone got her started on plugins.
I stood there and nodded confidently with croissant in my mouth – having absolutely no idea what they were talking about.
Later that night I went home and talked to my blue dragon for affirmation. He told me that funny blogs are cool but that mommy blogs are cooler.
So I threw him away.
Whether you are a mommy blogger or a funny blogger – learn.
Because the truth is – the answers you are looking for, could be nestled comfortably in the words of a blogger that writes about lamp shade dust.
Sweet Dreams World