Day -27: Why No One Loved Oedipus Except His Mother

It starts benign with a simple “Honey.”

I cringe – every time.

The once sweet term of endearment rapidly transforms into a high pitched nag. “HONEEEEEEEEY.”

“Yes my love,” I answer patiently knowing full well where this is going.

“Where are my keys?”

“On the counter, Honeeeeeey,” I retort.

“And my phone?”

I don’t bother replying because I know full well that his phone is nestled, spooning his keys.

“Honey!”

“Next to the keys!” I shout back.

“Where is my wallet?”

On good days I find myself replying “ONIIIIIII” which is Japanese for demon. Equally fitting.

He doesn’t even wait for my response before he goes at it again.

“Where are your socks?”

Is he serious?

Allow me to preface this with a little back story. He leaves his keys, phone and wallet in the same exact place – every single day – without fail.

The sick series of “Honey’s” begins again. I hide upstairs in my closet – hugging the things that give me the most comfort at a time like this – my shoes. I can hear his voice get louder. I cringe as I wait for the expected door to fling open. The handle turns and he steps in. “I was calling you, you didn’t answer. Are you hiding?” He starts to chuckle as he reaches for my pair of hot pink socks and leaves.

Where on Earth did grown men learn that not knowing where your keys, phone, wallet and apparently my socks, is sexy?

It’s not sexy.

Being efficient at inefficiency does not in any way shape or form make me want to take you on the kitchen counter.

Ever.

When did mothers stop sending their kids into the wild at the age of fifteen to fend for their lives?

Why did we stop?

Oh right – because I would never send my son into the wild at any age.

Fair enough.

But still!

Men have become too domesticated.

Its never just his stuff. Its the diapers, The wet wipes, Little A’s clothes and shoes. This is our routine, every morning of every day.

 

Just wait – it gets better.

We’re in the car and he starts speaking in accents.

Why?

And he thinks its the funniest thing in the world.

It’s not funny.

Is it just me?

Come on ladies, there are only so many times you can hear the same God damn accents before you physically want to stab your spouse 87 times – not like I haven’t fantasized about it or anything…

Indian, British, Spanish and Arab. He lingers on what particular word and continues to repeat it over and over again.

“Stop. Just stop.”  I sigh shaking my head.

“Que?”

I will not punch my husband in public. I will not punch my husband in public. I will..

Screw it.

I punch him in the arm.

And it feels so good.

I know it shouldn’t – but it really really does.

He looks at me in awe. I glare back – menacingly – threateningly.

We burst into laughter.

And then he’s at it again, “Que?”

Times like these I like to throw him a curve ball. I toss him a compliment and it completely throws him off his game. More importantly, it is effective and it always gets him to stop what he’s doing.

There. I won.

Photo on 13-03-05 at 2.31 PM #3

 

Home is where I am the pillar of the family – I am the engine. This is my kingdom where I am in control.

The gaming world is his world. He is brilliant at strategy and at execution. This is his domain. This is not mine.

 

Later we go home and play League of Legends together – an online game. And my co-dependent second child turns into one of those super angry soccer mom coaches.

Admittedly, I don’t do well under pressure and been known to freeze like a deer in headlights. Not my  best trait – but certainly beats others like spouse beater…*ahem*.

“What are you doing Shareen? GO GO GO GO GO!!!!”

Naturally – I freeze.

“NOOO! Kill him!! Go GO GO GO!! Now come back. NOW GOO!! Wait, no go back. Ok NOW!”

I drop the mouse, shut my eyes tight, and put my hands in the air like I’m being mugged. “I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry.”

My character dies and he lets out a slow sigh – identical to the many I let out during our morning ritual. I get ready to put my computer away and hide in my closet once again. This time he joins me.

Now that’s sexy.

 

Funny how the tables turn.

There is balance everywhere.

Sweet Dreams World.

 

 

 

Advertisements


Categories: Uncategorized

Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,

65 replies

  1. Um, I love this post? Awesome writing and hilarious! You win. Poor Oedipus.

  2. Aha! Good advice for the about to be wed! This is how you live with someone long term. X

  3. In love with your blog! Where have you been all my life?

  4. We remodeled out kitchen over a year ago, but you would think it was last week when my spouse is looking for a pot or the cooking oil. He keeps asking where things are. The only thing he knows for certain are the coffee cups. I’m thinking about moving them just to blow his mind. He decided the bread needed to go into the cupboard with all the plasticware. Now, I’m one, used to having it out on a counter, think we’re out of bread when there’s none on the counter. Now I know why my elderly patients never liked change!

  5. Rofl, explain to me again why you haven’t gotten a book deal out of this blog yet?

    My husband is constantly fussing at my son because my son can never find anything. He will walk in a circle in the room “looking” for his shoes for 20 minutes. Or his backpack, or jacket, fill in the blank. It takes me usually no more than 2 minutes to locate whatever he’s looking for, because it’s almost always right in front of him. This makes my husband insane, and my poor son gets the You’re-not-even-really-looking lecture.

    Five minutes later…
    Husband: Honey where are my keys?
    Me: In the bowl with all the keys in it…
    Husband: Oh. Thanks.
    Five minutes later…
    Husband: (cursing)
    Me: What?
    Husband: I can’t find my wallet.
    Me: Is it, by chance, in the pants you wore yesterday?
    Husband: Oh. Thanks.

    ARGH! Every time I read your blog, I could swear you are writing about my life, and I absolutely love you for it. Thank you for bringing humor into things that make me want to rip my hair out. And thank you for liking my post!

  6. Oh how perfect is this blog….and as I type I hear my husband say “sorry son, Mom’s not listening to you because she’s typing”. Argh!! I have found something else to pass my time AND make me smile. Epic win.

    P.S. I could never win at the League of Legends thing. That’s why I don’t play anymore.

  7. Lmao!! I hide in my closet too!! Lol he always knows where to find me and that he better come with a new attitude lol

  8. This is hysterical! Thanks for stopping by my blog, but more importantly, thank you for being really funny! Cheers!

  9. Fascinating, ladies- but it’s your own fault. This is what militant feminism does for you. Don’t whinge if he goes all subservient and needy on you.

  10. One of the side benefits is the free entertainment. You gotta love us guys … and we gotta love you gals.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: