Dear Corporate Canada – Or what ever any company with a Human Resources department is called,
No. This is not an “I just got fired and I’m going to expose my boss’s chronic bad breath condition.” And no, this is not my declaration that I’ve hacked into your social media – Facebook and Twitter accounts and have started to post hateful, yet cleverly thought out insults. I’m not exposing your affairs nor am I suing for sexual harassment. Although…if I was in the States….
I did not get fired.
Nor did I get hired.
Quite frankly, how does anyone get employed? I mean unless they are flaunting the aphrodisiac of a resume designed to get your company hard i.e. graduated from Ivy League school with a g.p.a that simply numerically can not exist (I thought a 4.0 was the best you could do) how does anyone get a job? And even when super geniuses are acquisitioned, aren’t they more of an asset than an employee – akin to a penis car, something the boss can show off? I.e. “Hello Tom, have you met our latest hire? She’s got a 4.7 g.p.a. from Harvard, then she received 16 PhDs from Columbia, then McGill, then Stanford…” you see where this is going.
Because I can tell you, looking at stats, the real minorities are not ethnically bound – but academically so. Seeing someone with a 4.3 g.p.a is as about as common as running into an intellectual barbarian.
So how does anyone get hired?
Resumes do not sparkle. They are either word or PDF documents that blandly state that a person has enough competence to put a list of things in chronological order – a feat my two year has almost completely mastered.
And then they say it’s all in the cover letter.
The letter that is supposed to summarize everything in the resume.
How is that even efficient?
I refuse to believe that my future is meant to be built on 400 to 500 words. There are so many things that I can bring to a place that simply can’t fit. Aside from the basic traits of boring i.e. diligent, work-a-holic and perfectionist, I am so much more. We are so much more. I’m passionate, I care about helping and fixing people, and more importantly, I bake like a mo-fo. Who doesn’t want to be welcomed at work every morning with banana muffins, sugar cookies, or chocolate cake with vanilla icing and sprinkles?
I am a mother, I have four dogs, I play the piano, I love dubstep and I am Goddess at Settlers of Catan.
People skills? I play computer games with thousands all of the world – trust me, I got people skills.
But rules are rules.
I’m willing to play the game.
So when Corporate Canada came calling – this is what I sent in: