I like to believe there are limits – things that even I wouldn’t do.
I’m not alone, you have limits too.
Sometimes, when I’m pretending to meditate in Yoga, I like to play a game.
A game of would you?
Would you have a lesbian three way with Oprah and her best friend Gail?
Would you give Bill Gates a hand job? And if not Bill Gates – what about Stephen Hawking? If Stephen Hawking – in all his unparalleled intellectual brilliance wheeled up next to you and asked for one…how could you say no?
How dare you say no.
Would you rob a bank if you knew you would never get caught?
And most daringly – would you kill someone?
This game gets boring quickly – as it should, being as billionaires and super geniuses rarely frequent my Yoga studio in Edmonton. Plus killing insects make me cry – so the murderer thing is a no go.
It’s what we wouldn’t do that perhaps we should hold most sacred.
It was after several weeks of faux meditation that I discovered my list of precious rules to live by. A list so juicy that perhaps humanity too, should adopt my cardinal rules.
Don’t Scam Public Transportation –
It’s never who you think it is. Jaws drop when the kind Canadian cop asks the chick sporting the latest Michael Kors or Louis Vuitton to produce a ticket she does not possess. The scene is awkward and always plays out the same. She stares back – wide eyed as she fishes through her purse, pulling out her matching wallet, her Dior key chain, her Prada coin purse (ironically filled with change) and her set of Tiffany’s pens. Then roll in the disgusted stares from all the good citizens who then start to toy with their passes – almost in an attempt to show their civil obedience. The sad part? It’s Canada, if you’ve ever purchased an LRT (train) ticket, then you know all too well how to fish your ticket out of the pool of change people have so graciously left. Yes, you read that correctly. In Edmonton, there is usually enough spare change left in the base of the machine to comfortably cover the cost of a hearty meal from any fast food joint.
Why would you steal wi-fi? I mean doesn’t everybody live next to a Starbucks – or any location that offers free internet anyways?What you don’t know, is the precious bandwidth you are so guiltlessly downloading your latest shows from is creating a lag for that avid gamer in the dead heat middle of a PVP match. Have you ever seen anyone nerd rage? YouTube it – not pretty. Now come on, you don’t want to be the cause of that, right? This isn’t a joke, keyboards and mice are the first victims of this act of unrelenting rage. What did they ever do to you? You know those stories of people that toss their computers out the window? It’s because someone was stealing their wi-fi, trust me.
What? Speak Up.
Don’t mumble. It’s annoying.
Can I get an Amen?
Blah Blah Blah –
There are certain people out there, that for some unknown reason, think that people care about their every action, every thought, every qualm. They start an innocent conversation, and because we are unsuspecting, we obediently stand there with our guard down. They are conversational hyenas – feasting on the poor ears of those to0 polite to beg them to stop. Sure, we try to indicate through body language that we would rather get our nails pulled out of our fingers that continue to listen to this infernal conversation. That we would rather get a full body tattoo sober than hear about how your cat is depressed. Or how we would rather be tossed into the freezing Arctic waters than hear about how you had to change your potting soil 8 mother bleeping times. Point made? Good. There should be a 15 minute rule. Scratch that, make it a 7 minute rule. That is the time allowed for you to rant, bitch, complain, explain, sigh, gasp, express etc. before people have the right to truly stop caring.
Space Diplomacy –
Inspired by my brethren back home, Egypt has found the ideal solution with what to do with political leaders no one likes. Currently, the leader of Egypt has been voted to the top of a list of the first Egyptian to send to space. I think they’re on to something, how incredible would the world be, if we would could literally send all the leaders we hate to space. Why vote them off the island, when you can vote them off the planet. I really think this one could stick.
Gives a whole new meaning to the word Democracy.
We can make the world a better place. It’s simple, pay your dues, don’t steal wi-fi, enunciate, be aware of how much people care about what you have to say, and send those we don’t like into outer space.
Sweet Dreams World
P.s. Stephen Hawking – I love you.
And you too Bill Gates.
And you too Oprah.