Day -23: Cardinal Rules

I like to believe there are limits – things that even I wouldn’t do.

I’m not alone, you have limits too.

Sometimes, when I’m pretending to meditate in Yoga, I like to play a game.

A game of would you?

Would you have a lesbian three way with Oprah and her best friend Gail?

Would you give Bill Gates a hand job? And if not Bill Gates – what about Stephen Hawking? If Stephen Hawking – in all his unparalleled intellectual brilliance wheeled up next to you and asked for one…how could you say no?

How dare you say no.

Would you rob a bank if you knew you would never get caught?

And most daringly – would you kill someone?

This game gets boring quickly – as it should, being as billionaires and super geniuses rarely frequent my Yoga studio in Edmonton. Plus killing insects make me cry – so the murderer thing is a no go.

It’s what we wouldn’t do that perhaps we should hold most sacred.

It was after several weeks of faux meditation that I discovered my list of precious rules to live by. A list so juicy that perhaps humanity too, should adopt my cardinal rules.

nono

Don’t Scam Public Transportation –

It’s never who you think it is. Jaws drop when the kind Canadian cop asks the chick sporting the latest Michael Kors or Louis Vuitton to produce a ticket she does not possess. The scene is awkward and always plays out the same. She stares back – wide eyed as she fishes through her purse, pulling out her matching wallet, her Dior key chain, her Prada coin purse (ironically filled with change) and her set of Tiffany’s pens.  Then roll in the disgusted stares from all the good citizens who then start to toy with their passes – almost in an attempt to show their civil obedience. The sad part? It’s Canada, if you’ve ever purchased an LRT (train) ticket, then you know all too well how to fish your ticket out of the pool of change people have so graciously left. Yes, you read that correctly. In Edmonton, there is usually enough spare change left in the base of the machine to comfortably cover the cost of a hearty meal from any fast food joint.

No excuse.

Why-fi?

Why would you steal wi-fi? I mean doesn’t everybody live next to a Starbucks – or any location that offers free internet anyways?What you don’t know, is the precious bandwidth you are so guiltlessly downloading your latest shows from is creating a lag for that avid gamer in the dead heat middle of a PVP match. Have you ever seen anyone nerd rage? YouTube it – not pretty. Now come on, you don’t want to be the cause of that, right? This isn’t a joke, keyboards and mice are the first victims of this act of unrelenting rage. What did they ever do to you? You know those stories of people that toss their computers out the window? It’s because someone was stealing their wi-fi, trust me.

What? Speak Up. 

Don’t mumble. It’s annoying.

Can I get an Amen?

Blah Blah Blah – 

There are certain people out there, that for some unknown reason, think that people care about their every action, every thought, every qualm. They start an innocent conversation, and because we are unsuspecting, we obediently stand there with our guard down. They are conversational hyenas – feasting on the poor ears of those to0 polite to beg them to stop. Sure, we try to indicate through body language that we would rather get our nails pulled out of our fingers that continue to listen to this infernal conversation. That we would rather get a full body tattoo sober than hear about how your cat is depressed. Or how we would rather be tossed into the freezing Arctic waters than hear about how you had to change your potting soil 8 mother bleeping times. Point made? Good.  There should be a 15 minute rule. Scratch that, make it a 7 minute rule. That is the time allowed for you to rant, bitch, complain, explain, sigh, gasp, express etc. before people have the right to truly stop caring.

Space Diplomacy –  

Inspired by my brethren back home, Egypt has found the ideal solution with what to do with political leaders no one likes. Currently, the leader of Egypt has been voted to the top of a list of the first Egyptian to send to space. I think they’re on to something, how incredible would the world be, if we would could literally send all the leaders we hate to space. Why vote them off the island, when you can vote them off the planet. I really think this one could stick.

Gives a whole new meaning to the word Democracy.

We can make the world a better place. It’s simple, pay your dues, don’t steal wi-fi, enunciate, be aware of how much people care about what you have to say, and send those we don’t like into outer space.

Sweet Dreams World

P.s. Stephen Hawking – I love you.

And you too Bill Gates.

And you too Oprah.

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50 replies

  1. I’ll do the sex things. Robbing the bank and killing someone, not so much. Guilt is a bitch.

  2. These are indeed good rules to live by, and would cause less douchbaggery in the world today.

    Though I am guilty of a few, in my past I am sure I caused my fair share of nerd raging as I leached on some poor souls wireless while my own internet was down for some reason. Though their crappy wireless lead to my nerd rage.

    I also mumble often, don’t know why just do it and it annoys me and everyone else lol

  3. I love your raw approach to reality. I don’t play games while meditating in yoga class but I do imagine how life with be without my minor annoyances-that I’m too embarrassed to say HERE. lol

  4. I’m so with you on the blah, blah, blah thing

    I’ve often got trapped in conversation with folk who tell a long rambling tale. I’m too polite to cut them short so I mentally resolve to let them finish their story then jump in quick at the conclusion to end the conversation and make my escape.

    But these folk are cunning. They can spot the subtle signs that their listener is plotting an escape. Just when I sense they are nearing the end of their tale and I am getting poised to jump in and terminate the long discourse they launch a second front

    “And”, they say (this is often accompanied by a restraining hand on my elbow)

    and before I can open my mouth (or move my legs), they have launched another verbal assault and I am left quietly weeping inside 😥

  5. A lesbian 3-way with Oprah and Gail???

    You have a are a sick and twisted mind.

    I can just tell we could be best of friends :-).

    Space Democracy – i’m so with that!

    Bob

  6. The murders….did they deserve it? I mean, I think I could kill Hitler….but not that annoying girl in my group of friends that honestly, NO ONE likes.

  7. The things you outlaw pale in comparison to those you would give judicial consideration 🙂

  8. Brilliant. I’m off to youtube now to witness some nerd rage.

  9. i pretend to meditate too….thats enough guilt for me. lol (why chose real dorks when you can have hot fake ones? sheldon,spock etc.etc just to name a few…lol never was into chicks boobs scare me off lol love the mumbling thing…….wheres Darth Vader in this? I mean if he doesnt count for nerd rage i dont know what does.

  10. So funny!! my biggest pet peeve is the people who share every detail about their lives. I get SO angry and want to scream “NOBODY CARES ABOUT YOUR STUPID BABY OR YOUR STUPID BREAKFAST THIS MORNING OR YOUR STUPID LIFE!!!!” But that’s just not nice. People who don’t get body language blow my mind!

  11. Going down that dark alley and contemplating things I WOULDN’T do….I’m not ready for that yet.

  12. I like the idea of space diplomacy, but I’d settle for stranding someone in a hot air balloon for an extended period of time each day.

  13. Shagreen, thank you for stopping by my blog. I enjoyed your post here, although the images of a three-way with Oprah et al. and giving Bill Gates a hand-job made me almost upchuck my breakfast 😉

  14. i was in a bad mood …and the hand job made me laugh …lol …thx :)…oh and thx for stopping by

  15. Love it, actually laughed out loud. I dearly hope Stephen Hawking finds your blog, you just might make his month :-p

  16. Thanks for the like – in response 2 your game questions. No 1. No, bein a bloke puts a downer on that 😦 YES 2 all others … Brilliant post, enjoyed every word

  17. If you did Oprah, I bet there’d be some great swag under the bed.

  18. Great rules to live by.

    I am so with you on the mumbling thing. I’ll ask someone to repeat themselves, and they think that I can’t hear, and I know I don’t have perfect hearing, but some people don’t speak loudly enough to be heard, lol.

    And thanks for stopping by my blog.

  19. But do you love Gayle?
    Your blog is hilare. Following.

  20. I’ll have to agree with the wi-fi theft. Nothing is worse than crappy bandwidth or nerd rage. Also, does the handjob rule extend to bandwidth induced nerd rage or only world powerful nerds. In other words, is it an elitist nerd rule only? Let me know!

  21. i loved the part about “be aware of how much people care about what you have to say” because IT IS SO TRUEEE. omg.. TRUTH. Thank you, this is great! You have some amazing insights ! 😀

  22. Nice rules. 🙂 I totally agree with the ‘blah blah’. People should seriously be taught when to stop. It’s almost outrageous that they don’t realize when they’re boring.

  23. Ugh, I have a co-worker that totally breaks your cardinal rule of “blah blah blah”. I might casually mention your blog and pray silently every night for a week that she reads it…and happens to skip the comments section…where I blast her for being a criminal talker…

  24. that was insightful, except we should recall when we decided to send all of our ‘debtors’ to fledgling colonies. i think if anyone goes to space it should be someone who is awesome so that they can stretch out towards the human future

  25. I’m not going to lie, I’m one of those talk too much people, but I definitely follow the rest…well, not the sex stuff. Gates is married, Hawking too. I’m no homewrecker lol.

  26. Your rules are now my rules 🙂 Be happy x

  27. Ok, I absolutely would avoid paying train fare if I thought I would not get caught, not that I don’t have the money but solely because the sheer embarrassment of getting caught outweighs the $2 or $3
    Would I kill someone? Not in my current state of mind, if you hurt or killed someone I love, I guess that would be a situational answer
    borrowing .
    wi-fi? Absolutely. What’s a little wi-fi? If u don’t wanna share it, lock it, most folks do, I would absolutely assume that an unlocked wi-fi signal was an invitation to share
    I think we all have our price, it’s just that mine is “wicked high” – a silly Bostonian colloquialism

  28. My # 1 cardinal rule is absolutely no talking, and especially no writing about anything remotely sexual. Call me a prude if you will. I do envy your unihibited style, however.

    I actually wrote an entire sex scene in my second novel sans any mention of genitalia after my daughter read a sex scene from my first novel and informed me that use of the term “labia:” is about as unsexy as it gets.

    My #2 cardinal rule is to scan body language ever so carefully when I am recounting some anecdotal gem. If the person’s eyes begin glazing over, it’s a no continuance. However there’s an alternate rule that applies to family members and close friends. If I suspect that they stopped listening to me right around the time I opened my mouth to speak, I handle it this way.

    You’re not listening to me, are you?
    Of course I am!
    Then what was the last thing I said?

    Lastly Cardinal Rule #3. Observe people’s personal space. Nothing freaks me out more than someone who gets too close to me when they are speaking and continue to advance even though I am clearly backing away. What is that? It makes me want to hit. Killing is too harsh a penalty.

    Yes! Let’s send convicts and odious political leaders into outer space. An inter-stellar penal colony if you will.

    Great blog by the way!

  29. Space diplomacy would be awesome! I really think dynamics in the US Congress would change if a guy from the House and the Senate were nominated to compete each month. The loser would be sent into space. The people could vote on the events. It would raise voter turnout as well as political issues awareness. I see this being the next American Idol!

  30. And about the mumbling thing…. For the love of god people! Either anunciate, or take elecution lessons………

  31. How incredible would the world be, if we could literally send all the leaders we hate to space? I’m thinking it would be GREAT and have an ever-growing list of nominees.

    About that 7-minute rule? I like it, but it would be better if we limited all ranting, bitching, complaining, explaining, sighing, and gasping to 140 characters. That’s right! Anything longer than a tweet and we let them talk to the hand!

  32. Im thinking the ‘BlahBlahBlah’ relates to everyday at work for me – “yes, really, indeed” are often muttered from my lips

  33. Okay, this has been sometimes my favorite way to handle road trips, what if’s? I love this! I also have wondered if I saw a big bag of money dropped in a ditch, would I stop and look in it. Once I found money, would I give it away, share part of it or would I turn it in? I mean what if there were no dye on the money?

  34. Love the cardinal rules. Would never scam public transit & have never stolen wi-fi. Like you said, why bother? Checked my emails at Starbucks today! But those blah, blahers, I am prone to them. Just too polite I suppose. I have been known to talk a blue streak on occasion too though, so perhaps that is my payback…

  35. Conversational hyenas. Love it.

  36. Love the space diplomacy idea. Here’s a spin on the idea. When leaders claim diplomacy isn’t working, we pack them into space capsule and let them use zero-gee toilets and eat food from a toothpaste tube. They can only return to Earth once an accord is reached. In such circumstances, I have a feeling an agreement would be reached very quickly.

  37. lolz….hilarious rules ….
    I am inspired to make my own ones now …
    😀

  38. You are hilarious. Conversation Hyenas? We all know them!

  39. Very good rules to live by. And we should always be open to the sex. Along with love and protecting others it’s one of the deepest powers in life.

  40. Currently it sounds like WordPress is the preferred blogging platform available right now.
    (from what I’ve read) Is that what you’re using on your blog?

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