Day – 20: Evil People

6:33 a.m. 

My eyes flutter open as I commence my morning ritual. Side note – I feel the term flutter may be an oversell. They really just open, like in a bland, unsexy way. 

I reach for my phone to check Twitter, just to see if the over hyped zombie apocalypse has started yet – only to find this. 

These tweets are in consequential order – 

@: “OMG this chocolate donut looks so f-ing good. I want to eat it so bad but I can’t.”

Attached is a photo of said donut – and it looks like a chocolate mess of nasty, which by the way is saying a lot because I pride myself on being an equal opportunist sugar goddess. I recently earned the title after proudly eating 3 bags of Hershey kisses.

Yeah, that’s what’s up.

The chocolate frosting on the donut was smudged and a chunk of it had been cleared off by the packaging. I mean really, what would Martha say? 

@: “OMG this donut is begging me to eat it. I would eat you pretty donut if you didn’t have a kajilion calories.”

Kajilion? 

That puppy isn’t holding more than 400 calories girl – maybe 500 tops.

Go ahead, just eat the fucking donut. 

@: “Ok, maybe I’ll just have a little. But I won’t eat you all up, I promise.”

Who speaks to a donut? 

I think we all know how this ends.

Seven tweets and 25 attempts to launch my own zombie apocalypse later, the donut is consumed – as the tweeter so generously depicted by uploading an image of the chocolate stained wrapper.

 And so congratulations, you have met one of two types of terrible people. 

Have you ever waited for someone to get into contact with you to the point that the only thing in the world that mattered was their text/email/phone call? 

And that’s when the second type of terrible comes out to play. They’re the ones that bombard you with push notifications, emails and phone calls – giving you that tiny glimmer of hope that you finally got what you were waiting for, only to evilly yank it away seconds later. 

Terrible. 

I had the good fortune to running into both this very morning. 

In my attempt to forget about my morning, I started baking. 

First, I started with cookies. Oh don’t they look so good, I want to eat you so bad…

 

 

Then I made this: OMG you look even better, I want to eat you sooooooo bad too. 

 

 

And after I return from yoga – I’ll be able to eat my cookie cake sandwich with no guilt. 

 

Several Hours Later. 

 

I returned from yoga only to find that my four dogs ate everything. 

I hate a good plot twist. 

Sweet Dreams World. 

 

---

‹ Day – 19: 2 Year Old STDS

Day -21: I love you. And Vaginas. ›

---

Categories: Uncategorized

Tags: baking, dogs, funny, Humor, Life, people, twitter, writing