So, it turns out my aspirations of becoming a cyber superhero are in fact futile. It took me 15 minutes of preaching on Twitter how one should love thy neighbor before I realized I was being hacked.
I guess it’s time to toss my new outfit(s) – oh and I’ll have to tell my side kick he’s fired. Although truth be told, he was pretty badass.
No – Little A didn’t really take performance enhancing drugs *ahem*.
So instead, I’ve decided for my obligatory kind deed of the day – I would arm all my foes with an arsenal of everything I hate in the world. And just F.Y.I. I’m not responsible for any bad karma you may accrue in result of your actions against me.
I suppose my selfish hope is if I’m flooded with these pet peeves, perhaps I’ll gain a certain immunity to them – you know like those people in Fear Factor.
Drive me Crazy with this:
Let’s start with mothers who brag about using software like “Find your iPhone” to spy on their most likely ditching school, fornicating -while-smoking-crack teenage children. Oh look at you, you’re so smart, sitting their, staring at the little red dot, while they’re busy getting high and simultaneously collecting HPV and other STDs.
Pet Peeve # 2:
This wardrobe decision is the equivalent of dropping a hybrid of SARS and Ebola on your professional future – and I’m talking about college kids (mainly boys) who wear
“I masturbate in class” pants. You know which ones I’m talking about – the super baggy bottoms of track suits that only Vanilla Ice and washed up pervy coaches would wear. The pants – if you could even call them that- are usually decorated with random stains that scream “I have never been washed.” Shame on you.
The KimYe of All:
Men that ACTUALLY believe that the stripper they’ve fallen in love with is seriously saving money to fulfill her childhood dream of becoming one of the world’s most distinguished neurosurgeons or dieticians. When has that scenario actually played out? When?
This One Takes The Cake – The Face Cake:
How dare YOU – and by you, I mean people that use emotional blackmail and take your soul hostage for a “like” on Facebook. You’ve seen the pictures of the absolutely adorable children holding the sign saying “If I get a million likes my parents will get me a puppy,” … or a new set of parents. I simply don’t have the will power to not press like, but at the same time, I really don’t care that much. See my canine conundrum? I’m not heartless, if I got one of these guilt trips like once a month, then hey, I’m game. Who doesn’t enjoy putting another pair of parents through the hell of cleaning up puppy poop for a while? And that’s just the fluffy icing – don’t get me started on the pictures of people that have been beaten to death, or gruesome images of corpses, or collages of what dirty crack does to your body. When did it become common practice to flaunt these graphic images online with no pre warning or spoiler alert …. I really didn’t know dirty crack could do THAT nor did I want to. Aside from the fact that I’m apparently one of the few that doesn’t enjoy staring at someone’s half eaten face in the morning with my coffee – neither does my super side kick two year old – who like 80% of children – plays with their mother’s phone.
Fake eyelashes. Tried them once. Only needed to try them once. It took me a full week of clawing out my eyeballs to not do that again. And why others would want to? Beyond me.
My Guilty Peeves:
Ok – so these two really shouldn’t bother me – but they do. Mouth breathers. Inhale through your nose. It’s intuitive! The only exceptions I can honestly part with are if you have a flu/cold/nasal congestion a.k.a. it’s physically impossible for your body to receive oxygen when breathing in and nose surgery. It’s terrible, I know. Oh and people that mercilessly toss their food around their mouth, chewing viciously and noisily with their mouths gaped open for the world to see. When has bits of food flying out of a mouth ever been sexy? Name one time?
There you have it – use this super power at your own discretion.
And don’t forget that most cyber bullying happens between the hours of 1 am to 3 am on Twitter. So be a Twitter Vigilante.
Sweet Dreams World.