Day – 10: Win Any Fight

If you are anything like me, then you have just moved away from a nation that recently experienced a revolution.

The chain of incorrectly defined coups will go down in history under a phrase inspired by a season that the Arab world simply does not experience. Spring implies rain.

That being said, being a professional at Revolutions – in the sense that I experienced one – I have witnessed my fair share of debates. Some ending in a civilized manner, unfortunately more often than not, most ending  in either death, divorce or disowning. True story.

And again, if you are anything like me, then you woke up to the passionate screams of two people you care about “debating” politics, thus rendering my morning into my personal Tahrir Square.

The truth is simple – winning a fight is easy. With these few steps you too can master the art of  making your opponent see the light.

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Step 1: Always bring a Tank to any Fight –

There’s a reason the American’s have an arsenal that is at least 15 to 20 years ahead of our time and it’s because it feels deliciously good to be prepared. Read up on your basic stats. Numbers always win fights. Don’t believe me? 72% of those that use statistical reference in their arguments assert an intellectual dominance which by default intimidates their more ignorant competition. Ok I just made that up, but it was totally believable – and it will be for you too when you use those digits to rule.

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Step 2: Laugh

At everything and anything your fellow debater might say. The more logical it sounds – the harder the laugh. Fall off a chair if you have too. Nudge the people around and you and in between gasps for air shout, “Can you believe this guy?” Laugh so hard tears stream from your face . Visual each giggle, each chuckle, each guffaw as it chips away at your adversaries’s self esteem. If this technique alone is working for you – then great. Now if you want to take it up a notch, feel free after every point and before your hysterics you stare wide eyed and gasp,” No, no, no, no, no.”

Step 3: Take the High Road –

Literally. Elevate yourself. If you find that the discussion is taking longer than 5 minutes – stand on something, Anything. To paraphrase Caesar Milan, you have to assert dominance.  Once you are comfortably placed on top of a chair, table, car, or them, start to use basic discipline tools. Usually a strong and concise “Shhh!” works, but if you find that it does not, then start to pat them on the head. Gently. Never smack, or provoke an attack – because I don’t know how to win a physical fight. Oh and if it does get to that, then scratch what I said about weapons too.

By the last step, you should be happily munching on the fruit of your labor whilst sitting on your epic throne – surrounded by stuffed animals.

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All too often, we make the same weakening mistake, the Achille’s heal of all arguments – we invest emotionally. What starts as an intellectual forum for discussion is rapidly fuelled by rage and and is then mutilated into a blood bath.

And no one wants that.

Enjoy your view from above.

And again – no real guns.

Sweet Dreams world.

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9 replies

  1. LOL Love your funny bone girl. 😀

  2. lmao you’re better than Kathy Griffin!

  3. Thank you so much for stopping my Paper, Mud and Me, Shareen, and I’m glad you liked “Restarting the New Year.” I will be following you. Don’t give up on the writing. Wishing you lots of publications in this year.

  4. Love it – you never fail to entertain me :)!

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