Day 27 – The Rules


It’s because society paints this picture of 78 year old you, choking on a slice of apple in your kitchen and no one there to save you. No one there to call for help. No one even realizes your missing until you devolve into a putrid nauseating stench – a public disturbance so intolerable that someone just has to call the cops.

It’s for survival they say. You don’t want to be alone because it’s instinctually wrong.

And we buy into it, because it’s right.

The rules are so easy. The formula is the same. Always the same. No exceptions. You want in? You gotta play by the rules.

Rule # 1 – The word to word ratio: Never give more than you’re getting. Ever. The less you say – the better. People are led by curiosity, it’s the fuel for evolution, and nothing is sexier than the unanswered question. Even with the most basic, how are you? Count your words before you utter them. Too easy? Take it up a notch, say less, hell, speak in grunt. That’s hot.

Rule # 2 – He/she is a Galifianakis: Wow, that’s hard to spell. Anyways, remember that guy from the Hangover (movie)? You know the really annoying unattractive one that had zero charisma and probably smelled funny? The guy that never gets laid? Treat the person you really care about and are attracted to like they were him. Oh that’s so cute, he/she takes your breath away when they walk into a room AND you want to tell them? Hahahaha. No. Look at them the way you would look at a person that deals crack to kids.

And don’t forget to grunt.

Rule # 3 – Don’t Call: So you’re up in the middle of the night thinking about the incredible silent date you two had, and you want to reaffirm your unspoken feelings by calling. It’s a suicide mission – don’t do it. What, you what them to think you like them? Absurd. Plus I don’t even think there is a way to say you had good time in monosyllabic noises.

Rule # 4 – Don’t Text: Ever. Just think of all the power and control you lose with every letter your phone autocorrects. Power and control you can’t re-establish once taken. Not a gamble worth rolling on. And NEVER EVER text under the influence of drugs, alcohol or excessive giddiness.

Rule #5 – Friends are Key: Stay away from optimists and friends that will gladly feed you disillusionment. You can usually pick them out, they’re the ones that say things like, ” We just want you to be happy,” and “I think they could be the one.” You need to drown yourself in those that steer you away from the natural inclination of contact or worse yet – clinginess.

Rule # 6 – Awkward Conversations: Never have them. Avoid all topics even moderately serious in nature. You know you’ve struck gold when they’re staring at you wide-eyed completely exposed after they’ve told you their truths and you just stare at them blankly – like you have no idea what they are talking about.

Rule # 7 – Never Initiate: Ever. Anything. Don’t initiate conversation, don’t initiate kisses, or even sex. Let them do all the work. After all a relationship is most certainly NOT a team sport. They’ll beg for you to start something – anything, but it’s like feeding a homeless cat, you do it once, and they’ll never stop. Put your foot down.

Rule # 8 – Never Apologize: So in the few words that you barely mustered, one and  a half of them was offensive. Hey, that’s not your fault. It’s clearly theirs. This rule is one that requires patience, because if you wait long enough, they’ll do your job for you. Soon enough you will have a genuine heartfelt apology headed your way. Winning!

Rule # 9 – Lie: Truth is weakness. You must never reveal that beneath that fine education and stature, there’s a person who believes in colours and secretly loves connect four. Lie your way through anything and everything. It’s like a verbal condom, almost nothing can get through.

There you go, nine simple rules that are guaranteed to land you anyone you want. Anyone. The process is an easy one, and success rates are quite high.

There is of course a small price to pay, nothing serious, just the loss of your soul. But again, I can’t emphasize what great results you’ll get!

Happy Hunting!

Sweet Dream World.

p.s. before you try, just ask yourself, is this who you want to be?


Categories: Sarcasm

9 replies

  1. How could no one have commented on this before….
    Rule #6 very much neede in life lol

  2. Soul…soul…soul?

    I know I HAD it. It has to be around here, somewhere

    Oh, wait…no, I definitely brought it home that night…the only ruddy thing I DID bring home that night.


    I remember! It’s in the coat closet back at the advertising agency I used to work for.

    Oh well, dime-a-dozen in the bar around the corner.

  3. curiosity killed the
    soul, eternal judgement
    no parole

  4. this is totally hilarious and sadly true. i absolutely hooked my guy by being totally aloof so i didn’t scare him away before he realized – shit – he was in love with me. thanks for stopping by my blog! 🙂

  5. Ha! Ha! I should just start every day with a “I’m sorry, John.” 🙂

  6. Whoa!! totally makes sense…no wonder I’m still single…{clicks Print and rushes to printer to collect 100 copies!).. Now must reblog this and list under my “dating” category…ty:) Whispering Insights

  7. Reblogged this on Traces of the Soul and commented:
    I have definitely done everything wrong!! No wonder I am still single. Will try to memorize said rules and in the interim, have copies stuffed in every purse, jacket and my personal agenda. WI

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