I’m terrible at doing the right thing. In fact, you can pretty much be sure that it’s a safe bet that I won’t.
Sure, I, like many, pretend that I have a firm moral compass that I strictly live by. Who am I kidding? I’m a compulsive everything. “Hell yeah! I’ll buy that shiny blue pan made out of diamonds.” Or “Yes! Every 28 year old should have brand new My Little Pony toys.” I have an opinion about everything and I judge like my job. I’m an activist with the inability to activate. I’m a humanitarian with no humanity.
I have the will power of … oh I don’t know, something with little to none. If there are 15 sugar cookies laying in front of me, or a fresh baked batch of banana muffins, I will eat them. All of them. Obviously I have the obligatory conversation where I convince myself that I will do not one but TWO consecutive hour of hot yoga tomorrow, oh and I’ll also walk all four of my dogs for an hour EACH. And if I do all of that then it will be as if everything I just ate would be cancelled out. Usually the way this story plays out is with me sprawled on my couch with a bag of Hershey kisses in hand and CNN playing on the TV the next day.
I need to send that lady some flowers or a fruit basket. That “lady” is the poor soul that has been receiving most of my mail for the past 6 months. She is the actually victim of my new found online shopping addiction. And she hates me. I know this because she called me once to nicely tell me that she received the rest of the My Little Pony accessories I ordered off of Amazon. There is literally a woman, in this city, who must think I am some sort of psycho with a pony fetish. The real problem here is that half of Edmonton’s roads are the same number.
This is how crappy I am, a week ago, I baked an obscene amount of cookies for my Yoga Studio. They never made it outside the house. Never stood a chance.
I never wipe my boots enough and always leave a muddy streak at my son’s daycare despite the fact that there’s a HUGE sign that kindly asks parents to take off their shoes altogether.
Have I sent out Christmas presents yet? No.
Do I walk all 4 of my dogs on a daily basis? No.
Did I really need more coasters? Actually yes. The dogs chewed on the other ones.
I’m so bad I lied about getting all the dogs snow boots. Oh my God, I can actually feel my soul rotting like a decayed tooth. I’m going to need to see a dentist soon if I don’t drop my sugar addiction. And I hate the dentist. Not personally, more theoretically.
The point of this post is that I should be better.
But you, you already are.
Sweet Dreams World.